TV talks TV

24 5x14: '8PM-9PM'

2006-03-21T20:28:00.000Z

Somebody on the 24 staff is obviously a footwear fetishist. How else to explain the first shot of sexy Colette the terror-trader this episode, which was a lingering closeup of her pulling on her knee-high boots? Have to admit, I'm not complaining. Nice boots. And nice legs inside them.

Next week's episode: Chloe squeezes into a black rubber outfit for a whole hour.

This was another transition episode, where a whole bunch of new storylines were set up to replace the ones that have burned out. Robocop has escaped and was nowhere to be seen (though Tony's still dead. Amazingly, he got a starring credit for appearing on screen for maybe half a second as a corpse!); the Gaius Baltar lookalike from Colette's bed last week turned out to be an undercover German intelligence agent tracking her very closely (nice work if you can get it); Homeland Security has moved in on CTU's turf, to the annoyance of Buchanan and especially Chloe; Chloe hacks into the NSA's computers, but gets caught; Vice-President Killer Bob is wasting no time setting himself up as Mr Suspicious as he manipulates Logan into ordering martial law; the Warlock and his pals are on the way to kill 20,000 people with more nerve gas; Wayne Palmer reappears with mysterious secret information, only to be driven off the road by gun-toting goons en route to meet with Aaron; Audrey is named by Colette as a mole. Jack Fucking Bauer also features.

It wasn't a bad episode at all, but it wasn't especially thrilling either; things were mostly just ticking over as if saving money for the next big bout of explosions and gunfire. In fact, nobody died in this episode! I think that may be a first for 24.

BODY COUNT AFTER 14 EPISODES:
The only change comes from an update in the number of CTU dead, which has now been confirmed as 56, one more than Buchanan estimated last week. So...

Total: 125 dead, 15 Jacked
Jack Fucking Bauer's average death toll per episode: 1.07

Amy's rating (out of five): ***

24 5x13: '7PM-8PM'

2006-03-18T13:05:00.000Z

They're dropping like flies! Last week Edgar, this week Tony - yet Kim still lives. Where's the justice?

After all the running around and fighting of the last few episodes, this was like one of those Star Trek 'bottle shows' they used to do to keep down the budget - trap a few people in a couple of rooms aboard the Enterprise and have them try to solve a problem before the ship explodes. In 24's case, everyone was trapped in a couple of rooms as nerve gas ate away at the airtight seals. Fortunately, this is the kind of corrosive nerve gas which can be beaten simply by holding your breath and wearing a hoodie. If you're Jack Fucking Bauer, at least. The Stupid Fat Hobbit didn't fare nearly as well.

"Why don't you try taking a deep breath now, huh, Dr. Soul Man?"

It didn't take long for everybody's nerves to wear thin - and the victim of their tension was Soul Man the shrink. Chloe quickly recovered from her shock to snark at him in fine form, and Jack Fucking Bauer went a step further and just choked the guy. In fact, Chloe was firing out put-downs like machine gun bullets, with Soul Man and Kim the main targets. Her friends should die in front of her more often - she gets the best lines that way.

The episode was a bit plodding for most of its length - the moment Chloe announced that the computer controlling the air system was near Holding Room 4, it was obvious the Stupid Fat Hobbit was going to be the one who copped it fixing things, but they dragged things out for about another 20 minutes. But then came the ending...

I genuinely thought Tony was going to kill Robocop, yet another 'only lead' dying before he can deliver the vital information. But he couldn't do it - and then Robocop snapped awake and killed him! As 24's shock moments go, that was a good one, which I didn't see coming. And so Jack had his best friend die in his arms. He's going to be soooo mad with Robo next week. I can't wait.

And this means that Chloe is now Jack's closest friend. My hope for a Jack/Chloe romance might still pan out! As long as she stays alive...

BODY COUNT AFTER 13 EPISODES:
(x44)
77-121: CTU staff
Buchanan's estimated death toll was "20 in comms, 35 in tactical and other areas", for a total of 55. Eleven were accounted for last week (including Carrie and the first redshirt), so that's 44 more corpses for the grinder, barring more accurate updates in future episodes.

122: Harry Swinton
Shameless emotional manipulation by the poor man's Jeff Daniels, hoping to swing his survival with a heartfelt phone call to his daughter. Dude. You're wearing a red shirt. You're so dead.

123: Lynn McGill
"So we're all going to die because you were embarrassed?" Well said, Harry. And did Sean Astin milk his death scene, or what? Edgar didn't body-pop like that. Thankfully.

124: Tony Almeida
Robocop killed Tony! Tony!

Total: 124 dead, 15 Jacked
Jack Fucking Bauer's average death toll per episode: 1.15

Amy's rating (out of five): ***

Battlestar Galactica 2x20: 'Lay Down Your Burdens, Part II'

2006-03-12T16:47:00.000Z

Oh. My. GOD.

If there's even been a TV show that made such a massive change to its entire storyline (of its own free will, not at the whim of some halfwit executive) then I haven't seen it. Every single aspect of the show over the last two years has just been totally turned upside-down, with not a single character unaffected. What a hell of a bold move that was on the part of the producers! Risky, as well, because in effect it's throwing out everything familiar... but you know what? I'm willing to trust them on this.

Even before the fateful 'One Year Later' caption, there was a huge amount going on in this extended episode. Roslin rigged the election with the help of Tigh and Dualla - and got caught! Starbuck rescued Anders and co - and utterly humiliated Apollo! Father Al turned out to be a Cylon, and got the funniest line of the show! ("I'm not a fracking Cylon!" [Sees his 'twin'] "Oh... all right, then.") Baltar more or less emotionally blackmailed Gina into letting him screw her - and in return she took out Cloud 9 and at least two other ships with her nuke! Now that's television.

"That was the day the Cylons marched into New Caprica City. The Cylons wore silver, you wore grubby brown..."

Oh, Baltar. President Baltar. That alone is scary enough - but to then skip ahead a whole year to find humanity eking out an existence in a tent city on some crappy miserable planet, with Roslin a teacher again, Starbuck married (loved the long hair), Tyrol a firebrand union leader and Cally his pregnant missus, Apollo fat (ha!), Adama with a porn star moustache (HA!) and Baltar a frazzled pill-popping alcoholic with his own personal harem lounging around Colonial One... now that's a gutsy move. Then just when you think the human race has managed to get itself stuck in a fairly shitty situation, guess who's back to make it even worse? Cylons! Legions and legions of Cylons! And this time they're not there to kill the humans. It looks like they're there to enslave them. Is this the Cylon plan? I'll have to wait until October to find out. October? Nooooo! Too long!

Amy's rating (out of five): *****!

24 Body Count Update!

2006-03-11T09:40:00.000Z

I missed one! In '5PM-6PM', the terrorist at the hospital killed an orderly to steal his whites. So here's the update:

BODY COUNT AFTER 12 EPISODES:

76: Hospital orderly
Ready for your one second on camera? Oh, there it went.

Total: 76 dead, 15 Jacked
Jack Fucking Bauer's average death toll per episode: 1.25

24: '5PM-7PM'

2006-03-08T11:41:00.000Z

A double bill to bring the day to its halfway point... and oh my God! They killed Edgar! You bastards!

"Who am I going to boss around and treat like dirt now?"

At least they didn't kill Chloe. I would have been so heartbroken I might not have been able to keep watching. Do you hear me, 24 producers?

So much was going on in these two episodes that it's hard to keep track of it all. But it was all awesome, with Jack Fucking Bauer back to being utterly ruthless in the pursuit of his goal, shooting Robocop's wife in the leg to force him to talk... but he didn't! Robocop was even more ruthless! He really did teach Jack everything he knew, didn't he? So who's The Man in charge of the whole nerve gas plot whom Robocop is protecting? There are only three options - Novick, James Heller (who hasn't appeared yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did), or the newly-introduced Vice President. Who is played by Ray Wise. Ray fucking Wise! Leland Palmer! One of my favourite actors, who's always great because even when he's playing a nice guy he still comes off as sinister and threatening. If they brought in Harry Dean Stanton as well, this would easily be the best season ever. Though to be honest, right now it's looking that way anyway!

So, what else happened? Tony woke up, was lied to about Michelle's death until he took matters into his own hands and found out for himself, and is now locked in CTU's infirmary with the very man he knows was involved in her murder - Robocop. That's going to work out well all round. Kim's back, having been dumped by Chase and now hooked up with her creepy psychiatrist/boyfriend - who had the brass balls to criticise JFB to his face and got such a look of death in return that it's a miracle his heart didn't freeze on the spot. And with Kim in the area, trouble can't be far behind - in this case, not in the form of a pack of cougars but a canister of nerve gas introduced into CTU's ventilation system by one of the Warlock's minions, who gained access with the Stupid Fat Hobbit's stolen keycard. Nice going, Samwise. As well as wiping out a good percentage of CTU's personnel, the gas also claimed Edgar, whose final moments of life were spent staring into Chloe's eyes through a pane of glass and realising he was never going to have that cup of camomile tea with her after all. Aww.

And we're only halfway through the day. With another 17 canisters of gas on the loose, things are probably going to get worse before they get better...

BODY COUNT AFTER 12 EPISODES:

61: Hospital Terrorist
When Jack Fucking Bauer's not around, Curtis steps into his shoes.

62: Dwayne Tompkins
Who would ever have imagined that a terrorist might double-cross and kill a minor drug dealer wanting $20,000 for a stolen CTU access card?

63: Jenny McGill
Boy, it's a really bad day for the Stupid Fat Hobbit.

64: Carrie
Sacked! Rehired! Stabbed!

65: CTU Guard #1
In hindsight, making the guards into literal Star Trek-style redshirts may not have been a good idea.

66: Ostroff (JACKED!)
Too bad he wasn't caught a few minutes earlier. That might have prevented all of the following...

67-68: The CTU Twins
The who? Just wait, you'll see...

69-71: Assorted CTU employees
The place was blown up a few years earlier, now it's been nerve gassed. They should ask for hazard pay.

72-73: The other CTU Twins
They work in the same building as their twins, wear the same clothes, and now die in the same corridor a minute later! What are the odds? (Seriously, producers, did you think nobody would notice that you showed the same people dying twice?)

74: CTU employee
"I hear you knocking, but you can't come in..."

75: Edgar Stiles
So long, big guy. You may never have had sex with Chloe (or probably anyone else), but at least you earned the silent clock treatment, which not even Palmer or Michelle managed. We'll miss ya.

Total: 75 dead, 15 Jacked
Jack Fucking Bauer's average death toll per episode: 1.25

Amy's rating (out of five): *****!

Battlestar Galactica 2x19: 'Lay Down Your Burdens, Part 1'

2006-03-06T19:42:00.000Z

Hard to review, this episode; while a lot was happening, it was almost all setup for whatever (doubtless world-shattering) events will take place in Part 2! So what do we have?

No, it's not a very special guest appearance from George Michael...

The Chief is having a violent emotional meltdown (poor Cally!), terrified that he might be a Cylon sleeper agent just like Boomer, and seeks guidance from Al from Quantum Leap as the kind of no-bullshit priest who would probably scare even Father Jack Hackett.
Starbuck, Helo and Sharon (helping out with some reluctance) lead a massed flight of Raptors back to Caprica to find the survivors, including her sports-playing fuck toy Anders.
Racetrack's Raptor gets lost mid-jump, but in the process discovers a habitable planet that might be hidden from the Cylons.
The presidential debates between Roslin and Baltar are under way, with Baltar well behind in the polls - until he seizes upon the idea of using the newly-discovered planet as a way to offer the fleet something other than Roslin's policy of 'run from the Cylons until we find Earth'.

There's a whole bunch of other, smaller storylines going on as well, but beneath it all is Sharon's ominous feeling that "something dark is coming". And since next week's episode is the season finale, and the last season finale had one of the best shock TV moments since Dr Romano got his arm sliced off by a helicopter's tail rotor in ER... I expect major darkness indeed! Let's not forget that Gina still has a nuke, Baltar might still win the election, and Sharon's probably still got a chip the size of a surfboard on her shoulder about the 'death' of her baby, to say nothing of Original Six and Boomer's Cylon rebellion still in progress!

It's a testament to Galactica's writing that even a story that's entirely about putting pieces in place for next week is still utterly compelling. So maybe it wasn't so hard to review after all...

Amy's rating (out of five): ****

Shiny!

2006-03-06T10:33:00.000Z

Mmm, tight black rubber... I love it! (Except for the 'putting it on' part. What a faff! It took over ten minutes per leg to put on the latex stockings...) But once it's on, it's totally worth the effort. As you can see here!

High Heels And Glad Rags

2006-03-05T13:25:00.000Z

The latex outfits are still to come (I'll be donning them later on today, after I have a chance to polish them up), but for now here are a few preview pictures of my latest dressing sessions! It was sooooo nice to be back in heels and skirts again after so long - it even made the torment of shaving worthwhile!

There'll be plenty more to come on my website once I've sorted through everything and updated the pages, so please check it out by following the link in the bar on the left!

A (Too) Close Shave

2006-03-03T14:34:00.000Z

I'll be dressing for the first time in ages later today, so on the offchance that A: anyone wants to check out some new pictures, and B: anyone in the entire world actually reads this blog, there'll be a few samples here, and more on my site later.

But before I can dress, there's something I have to do first. It's the worst part about being a trannie. It's a loathsome, hateful process, a nightmare of biblical proportions.

It's shaving.

As in, my entire body. Some TVs are naturally hairless or almost so, and don't need to shave. Lucky bitches. ;) I have body hair in the style of Sean Connery. Or Austin Powers. Or Bigfoot. It took me almost half an hour with the electric clippers (a great investment, by the way!) just to buzz off the outer coat, and then after that it was into the bath and to work with the razors. Two hours and five disposable twin-blades later, my body was finally as denuded as I could get it. And it was a hell of a task. Forget sexual positions - some of the contortions I had to go through to scrape off those awful hard-to-reach tufts should be in the Kama Sutra. Try shaving your own butt sometime. You'll see.

And then... the face. God. I hate shaving my face. I'm just no good at it. Never have been, probably because nobody ever taught me how to do it as a teenager and I had to figure it out by trial and bloody error. Even with two, three, seventeen blades on the razor, it only takes about three seconds before the white shaving foam turns a vivid crimson. I think every hair follicle on my face is connected directly to my heart by a high-pressure hose. Sharks were trying to swim up into my washbasin because they could smell the blood in the water from the Bay of Biscay. Forget sticking little pieces of toilet paper over the cuts, I might as well have just stuck the entire roll to my chin and been done with it.

But now, thank god, I'm done. So after I give my face a couple of hours to stop bleeding (nothing more annoying than putting on makeup and seeing little nuclear explosions of red expanding outwards through the foundation) I'll be dressing for the first time in seven months!

New Musical Obsession

2006-03-01T23:00:00.000Z

You know when you get a song in your head and can't get rid of it? Well, what's worse than that is when you can't help playing the same song over and over for real. Which is exactly what's happened to me with the Sugababes' cover of the Arctic Monkeys' 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor'. I heard it on Johnny Walker's show just yesterday, hunted down an MP3 on the internet (via somebody's blog because it's not on the iTunes Music Store), and according to iTunes have played it 27 times in the last 24 hours. And that's not counting the times I played it on my iPod while I was out during the day.

It's like audio crack! It's just fast, mad and utterly irresistable. And I heard it on Johnny Walker's show. You know, the Johnny Walker on Radio 2 who's about 96 years old and you don't really think of as playing Sugababes tracks, especially not demented electro-rock covers. Life's full of surprises.

Ironically, I'd never actually heard the original Arctic Monkeys version until I checked it out on iTunes - and I much prefer the Sugababes rendition. I guess if I'm going to become bizarrely hooked on songs performed by people who weren't even born when I was a student, I'd rather they be cute girls than ugly indie boys!

24 5x10: '4PM-5PM'

2006-03-01T07:59:00.000Z

Hee! Jack Fucking Bauer got pwned! By Robocop! Twice!

Thank you, Thing!

And in other news Chloe was pouty yet (almost) polite, Edgar was on the ball as opposed to merely being shaped like one, Audrey didn't annoy for the second episode in a row (although I was a bit 'yeah, right' when she was revealed to be almost as leet as Chloe with the computers...) and Curtis - get this - kicked ass without moving a muscle. What's going on? CTU actually being competent without Jack Fucking Bauer to hold their hands? What strange parallel world is this?

The Stupid Fat Hobbit finally melted down and was deposed in a palace coup, but that was nothing compared to Logan's meltdown when he found out Crazy Martha was in the Subarovs' limo and wouldn't get out. He somehow managed to be simultaneously unyielding and as spineless as a jellyfish, holding to his position that by sacrificing Subarov he'd be saving American lives while at the same time flapping and blubbering and finally falling to his knees to pray because he couldn't think of anything else to do. Novick's utter discomfort and embarrassment at being asked - ie, ordered - to join in was a thing of beauty.

And, my God, Aaron actually survived! He even got a fake-out 'Noooo! Not Aaron!' moment before springing back to life and capping multiple terrorists. In fact, everybody seemed to kick ass this week except JFB. I think this was the first episode this year where he didn't kill anybody!

BODY COUNT AFTER 10 EPISODES:
RECOUNT! JFB revealed that 11 people died in the mall, so that subtracts four from the corpse count. Mind you, this episode racked the number right back up again...

55-56: Motorcycle cops
They've had their CHIPS! Ba-dum!

57-58: Secret Service agents
In the line of fire? Absolutely.

59: Terrorist #1
Aaroned!

60: Terrorist #2
Hoist by his own petard - or more accurately, blown to shit by his own flamethrower.

(GOOF ALERT! Three terrorists attacked the limo - Aaron killed two of them, but the third one vanished into thin air!)

Total: 60 dead, 14 Jacked
Jack Fucking Bauer's average death toll per episode: 1.4

Amy's rating (out of five): ****

Charmed 8x16: 'Engaged And Confused'

2006-02-28T18:03:00.000Z

So, Christy is the Key to the Ultimate Power, right? And guess what turns out to be the Ultimate Power?

Vile Billie. Vile fucking Billie. The moronic lisping bimbo who poisons every scene with her mere presence. Why the hell do I still watch this show?

Oh, right. Because I am Piper Halliwell's bitch, and as long as she's there, so will I still be. Dammit.

Anyway, this week yet again saw various barely-connected storylines spinning hopelessly around each other like turds swirling in a toilet flush. Technically the main storyline was Paige's engagement to Rondo, since the episode took its dismal punning title from it, but besides being moderately cute and amusing as the pair bickered and bantered in traditional televisual cold feet fashion before deciding to get married there and then, not much of interest happened. (And I bet they won't add Ivan Sergei to the opening titles, even though he's now a member of the family. Tightwads.)

Meanwhile, Phoebe has for some stupid reason been assigned a Cupid (in the Charmedverse, Cupid is more a supernatural profession than a literal chubby baby angel with a bow and arrow) because the Elders feel guilty for messing up her love life and want to make it right. Oh, fuck off, Charmed writers. First of all, if any of the sisters deserves help from the Elders it's the one whose husband is frozen in a block of ice, and second of all, shut up, Phoebe. How many times do I have to sit through the 'don't give up on love, Phoebe!' speech? Selfish hag.

The greatest force of evil in history... and they look FFFFFFABULOUS!

And in other plots, the ninnying Triad (whom we discover this week at one point had four members but kicked one out... CHRIST! They're the Triad, not the Quadrad!) are working with Evil Christy to gain the Ultimate Power, the fourth (grr!) Triad demon is trying to manipulate the Charmed Ones into vanquishing the Three Ninnies so he can get the Ultimate Power for himself, and Vile Billie and Phoebe are teaching Evil Christy how to walk in high heels and dress like a slut. That's right - she may have been kidnapped by demons for 15 years, but a girl's got to have her priorities right! (It took me a lot longer than half an hour to learn to walk in high heels, by the way...)

The Three Ninnies eventually got mostly smoked, leaving just a Unad to continue plotting with Evil Christy. The whole vanquish should have been cool - Piper and Paige actually used their powers intelligently, which is rare enough these days - but fizzled because the pacing was off and there was absolutely no sense of danger. As if Paige was going to get killed on the day of her wedding! This ain't a Joss Whedon show.

The one good thing about the Vile Billie revelation is the hope that with Evil Christy trying to turn her to the dark side, she'll actually succeed and we'll have a Halliwells vs Jenkinses showdown wherein Piper blasts Vile Billie's worthless arse into a million blazing fragments of charcoal. I know it'll never happen, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Amy's rating (out of five): **

Battlestar Galactica 2x18: 'Downloaded'

2006-02-26T08:59:00.000Z

Oh, this was so awesome. And not a space battle in sight! In fact, the Galactica crew were hardly in it, and yet it was one of the best episodes of the year - of the show, in fact. I didn't miss Apollo, Starbuck et al the slightest bit. What does that say about the good guys?

It wasn't exactly 'A Day In The Life Of A Cylon', but it still revealed a lot about them - namely that for supposed machines, they're rather lacking in cold logic. Having wiped out humanity, they're now reconstructing human society in perfect detail for themselves, complete with parks, fashionable clothes - I saw a Sharon in knee-high boots, which made me like her even more - and Starbucks (no pun intended). They're also just as prone to self-doubt and mental disorders as humans, it seems. The moment when Six (the original Six, from the miniseries) saw Baltar amongst the other Cylons at her resurrection seemed like an 'Oh my god, it can't be' moment - and it wasn't! It was something even better! Baltar has a Six... and Six has a Baltar! All suave and cynical and martini-sipping! Fantastic!

Because the Cylons resurrect, we also got the return of the original flavour Boomer, hot as ever, still extremely unhappy about learning that she was an unwitting Cylon sleeper agent (and probably not too happy about Cally shooting her, either). So now we have an entirely new Caprica plotline with Six and Boomer seeing the light (almost literally) about what love truly means when you're a Cylon, and going on the run with 36 hours to change the world before Xena gets resurrected and is all pissed off about being murdered. Does this mean we're going to see more Cylon models? "Who is Number One?" And there's only two more episodes left! I'll (almost) forgive 'Black Market' if they're as amazing as this one.

And it was all... yellow!

As for the birth of Sharon and Helo's baby, and Roslin's ruthless decision to fake its death and give it to a random (OR IS SHE? There's apparently some mythological significance to her name...) young mother who just lost her own child... I can't see any way that could lead to trouble at a later date! Really! What could possibly go wrong now that Sharon's lost the thing that kept her helping the humans and Baltar's Six believes he was complicit in the murder of their child?

Amy's rating (out of five): *****!

Fade To Black

2006-02-24T23:20:00.000Z

I had one of those horrible dilemmas today where the sensible part of my brain was going "You need to save money! You have more videogames than you ever play! All first-person shooters are more or less identical!" while the daffy part was going "Yeah, but I'm boooored! And my money just came through! Need new stuff!"

So I caved in and bought Black for my Xbox (£29.97 from Asda, the cheapest I saw by over a fiver). And, ohh... it's soooo close to being the ultimate FPS game. But it's let down by stupid little flaws. Some of them are endemic to the FPS genre, of course. But that's no excuse. Considering Black was created by the people who made the Burnout series, which basically reinvented the racing game, I was hoping that they'd push things just that little bit further.

So what are the flaws? Ask Amy, and ye shall receive!

Unskippable FMV. Jesus, come on. I've just bought the game. I want to shoot stuff. I do not want to have to sit through five minutes of titles - on a blank black screen - before I can play! And as for the FMV before each level... I don't care about the story with Kellar and the Cigarette Smoking Man. Cover the mission in text if you have to - which apparently you don't, since it's never referred to within the game. I just want to kill people. Okay?
Linear levels. If GTA: San Andreas can create a completely open world, then why can't FPS games? I'd like at least the option of sneaking up on the bad guys from an angle the designers didn't plan for, just to see what happens. Why is the super-hardass character I'm playing incapable of hopping over a two-foot-high fence?
Invisible walls. The curse of FPS games! They hid them pretty well, but there are still a few in there...
Set weapons per level. If I finish the previous level with a rocket launcher and two RPGs, why are they then taken away? I earned them fairly, and I was a good enough player to survive the level without using them all. Why can't I keep them?
Where's my 'Hollywood physics'? They're promised on the box. To me, 'Hollywood physics' implies that everything explodes when shot in a massive fireball that sends cars spinning hundreds of feet into the air and the corpses of dozens of bad guys crashing down like fleshy rain. That's not what you get. The physics engine is decent enough, but it's only slightly exaggerated from reality, and lacks the OTT craziness of... well, Burnout. I wanted a Bruckheimer movie, but I didn't even get Delta Force.
Bulletproof baddies. The game does give the option of headshots, but it's the most ludicrously literal definition I've seen. Knock off a bad guy's helmet from 100 yards - instant kill. Shoot him six times in the face from four feet away... he just staggers for a couple of seconds, then comes at you again. And why does wearing a Jason Vorhees-style hockey mask give some bad guys immunity to bullets until you empty an entire clip into them? He might be wearing body armour, but I just shot him 20 times in the fucking knees! At the very least, he should be knocked down and crawling around! Why wasn't there a proper body damage system?
Boring hero. Why bother giving the main character a name and a backstory and hiring an actor to play him if he's not going to have the tiniest role in the game itself? Kellar cracks no one-liners, doesn't offer any commentary on events, and you never really see his face. Even Gordon Freeman in Half-Life had more personality, and he never spoke!
Shortness. In half a day, not even of continuous play, I got through six of the eight levels. Some of them are big levels, but even so, that's not very long-lasting. The last game I bought, Resident Evil 4, took me well over a week to finish - and even then, it had all the bonus modes still for me to play. Once Black's finished, then what? Play it again on a different difficulty level? Try to find every last one of the secret bonuses? Mmm... that's kinda boring.

Black does have a lot going for it - it looks gorgeous, with some really spectacular lighting effects and expansive landscapes. It's probably better looking than Metal Gear Solid 3, which is something considering that MGS3 also limits your viewpoint most of the time. The 'smashable' environments are a thing of beauty; if somebody's crouching behind a wall to shoot at you, there's a good chance you'll just be able to blow their cover away and leave them exposed. The explosions are amazing to watch. And it is, at times, mad, frantic gun porn as you mow down dozens of disposable goons. But it's lacking the spark of imagination, the courage to push things beyond merely trying to simulate reality, that would make it a classic. As it stands, it's just 'good, but...'

Stupid daffy part of my brain. That's 30 quid I could have put towards some new latex boots or something!

24 5x09: '3PM-4PM'

2006-02-21T17:45:00.000Z

Woohoo! 24 gets back into action after the fannying around of the last few weeks by turning everything on its head. Yellow Tie - dead! Puffy Vampire Man, AKA Nathanson - dead! Jack chokes Curtis! Stupid Fat Hobbit freakout! And Julian 'Warlock' Sands as the new villain, not even bothering to sound remotely Russian! All this and a great shootout with nifty automatic weapons as well. Damn, I am loving the show this year. Marwan who?

"You should see what I'd do to you if we weren't friends!"

This was great. I was worried that it might be just a standard 'CTU orders Jack to be arrested, Jack goes on the run' episode, but after the helicopter shootout - yes, Jack Fucking Bauer brought down a helicopter with a pistol - JFB was in the background while his new CTU superteam of Chloe, Audrey (who's actually growing on me now that she's doing things) and Buchanan run rings around the Stupid Fat Hobbit - at least until he finally flips out and has Buchanan tossed in a cell. And I knew that Crazy Martha was going to do something especially crazy to try to save the Russian president and his wife, but actually getting into the newly terrorist-targeted motorcade with them? This should be fun! Poor Aaron, though. He is so doomed.

This episode provided the out-of-nowhere new twists that I was hoping for last week. Keep 'em coming!

BODY COUNT AFTER 9 EPISODES:
(+1)
52: Ivan Erwich
So long, Yellow Tie! Stabbed in the heart by the Warlock.

53-4: Nathanson's Techies
One of the Warlock's goons says he's killed "Nathanson's men", plural, so until told otherwise I'll assume he had two geeks in his plasma screen demo room. Both now ex-geeks.

55: Some Conspirator Guy
One of Walt and Nathanson's cohorts. Not that we ever find out anything about him, because he's only on screen long enough to get an (explosive) bullet through the heart.

56: Goon #1
For a chubby guy, Nathanson's pretty good at lethal ambushes.

57: Goon #2 (JACKED!)
About to kill The Only Lead? Sorry, Jack Fucking Bauer's had enough of that already this year.

58: Goon #3 (JACKED!)
He died as he lived: a blurry figure seen only in whip-pans.

59: Nathanson
Should have waited for JFB to take out the chopper before leaning his puffy face out of cover.

Total: 59 dead, 14 Jacked
Jack Fucking Bauer's average death toll per episode: 1.55

Amy's rating (out of five): ****

Charmed 8x15: 'The Last Temptation Of Christy'

2006-02-21T08:13:00.000Z

Charmed's writers finally go off the deep end with their lust for bad puns. Last temptation? This is the first time we've met Christy! And what temptation? Unless it was the complete immolation of Vile Billie (and let's face it, we've all been tempted by that).

Yes! YES! BURN, BITCH, BURN!

In fact, the writers seem to have caught Battlestar Galactica's new disease. '12 Angry Zen' ended with Vile Billie entering a cell (sadly not her own long-term home) and lisping "Christy?" Now, Christy's apparently been living at the Manor (in Piper's bedroom!) for two weeks, and we didn't see any of it! Did I miss an episode? I bet it was the best one of the season as well...

More bad writing - not that anything else can be expected these days - comes into play as yet again, none of the various storylines ever really intersect. Vile Billie tries to bond with Christy, who turns out to be a firestarter like the annoying kid from 'Lost And Bound' back in season 4. Piper bumps into Greg the fireman from season 6, whom she now apparently slept with while separated from Leo even though that didn't seem the case at the time. Paige has to fend off a magical suitor - an absolutely fucking infuriating posh British stereotype who's so plummy he makes Hugh Grant sound like a Brummie and looks and acts like Rimmer from Red Dwarf - and ends up getting engaged to Rondo. Phoebe... is negligible. And the Triad from season 3 return, despite having been vanquished by Cole, trumpeted as the "greatest evil of all time". I think the Source might have something to say about that. Why can't they tie the storylines together any more? Morons.

And come on. Christy is "the key to ultimate power"? The key? You mean, just like Dawn was on Buffy? If you're going to rip off a very well-known plotline, at least have the decency to change a name or two!

I want my show back. You remember, the one about the three sisters who happen to be witches? Not the one about the two sisters who live in somebody else's house.

Amy's rating (out of five): **

Battlestar Galactica 2x17: 'The Captain's Hand'

2006-02-19T15:57:00.000Z

Woo, Galactica's back! I know it hasn't technically been away, but this episode thankfully gets away from the angst and misery marathon of the past several episodes and returns to what the show does best - complex political problems and giant spaceships blasting the shit out of each other.

I do have to complain about the show's latest trend, though. After several in media res openings that are then followed by a '96 hours earlier' caption, now we're having flashbacks in the previouslies to scenes that we've never seen before! I actually had to pause the playback and double-check that I hadn't accidentally missed an episode after being told about the Pegasus's new never-before-seen commander and Baltar and Gina having a chinwag about him running for President. It's a unique way of introducing backstory!

Almost everyone bar Sharon and Tigh get a shake of the stick this week as Starbuck and Apollo butt heads with a butthead - namely the Peg's new boss, its former chief engineer who's great at micromanaging power systems but turns out to suck at the 'keeping his ship out of the line of fire of three basestars' side of command - while Roslin is forced to take sides in that ever-polarising abortion debate. She adopts the possibly worst-of-all-worlds solution by banning abortion on 'humanity must breed' grounds, alienating the pro-choicers, while simultaneously making it perfectly clear that her own personal beliefs are pro-choice, angering the pro-lifers and making herself look weak.

And who should swoop in but Baltar to capitalise on this weakness in the sneakiest, most backstabbing way possible by announcing his own candidacy for President? Baltar rules. Even though he's technically the villain, he's probably my favourite character on the show. He was such a slimy, unscrupulous bastard this week that even Six seemed impressed by the depths of his deceit.

All those naked Boomers, gone! Noooooo!

Meanwhile, back on the Peg, we got one of those massive space battles Galactica does so well as Scotty - sorry, Garner - dopily falls for a Cylon trap that sees his Battlestar eating two nukes. Yet still carry on fighting. These ships are tough! So while Apollo takes command and gives as good as he gets, Starbuck and co kick some raider ass. This is how I like my Galactica - none of this weepy, broody angst, but tough decisions being made at the top while the people at the sharp end blow shit up in spectacular fashion. Wheee!

So now Apollo's the commander of the Pegasus. Will he have a better life expectancy than his three (count 'em) predecessors?

Amy's rating (out of five): ****

Bauer Power Update!

2006-02-16T11:00:00.000Z

It turns out that Jack Fucking Bauer is even deadlier than previously thought! Back in episode 1, careful scrutiny reveals that there were two assassins in the car JFB forced to crash. It's hard to make out, but trust me: he's there. There are definitely four guys chasing Chloe. That must be a first for her!

(REVISED) BODY COUNT AFTER 8 EPISODES:

51: Barely-seen Assassin (JACKED!)
Total screen time, maybe one second in total. That must have been a downer for the actor when he watched with his family and friends. "Here I come... there I was!"
Total: 51 dead, 12 Jacked
Jack Fucking Bauer's average death toll per episode: 1.5

(No) Smokin'!

2006-02-15T16:05:00.000Z

The government actually voted in a total ban on smoking in public places! Unbelievable, Parliament went and did something right for once! (Of course, this was just one day after they did something very, very wrong and voted to make ID cards compulsory, the tools. It won't stop terrorists, criminals will find ways around it in no time like they always do and it'll cost a fortune which we'll have to pay - this is good how?)

But the idea of being able to go out to a pub or a bar or wherever and not come back home stinking of cigarette smoke... joy! Even my best friend - who smokes - was delighted at the prospect, because she hates the after-stench as well. And if I go out dressed again, then I have a chance of making it through the evening without my eyes starting to water because of the smoke, sending rivulets of mascara-filled tears down my cheeks and making me end up with panda eyes.

It puts me in an awkward spot politically, though: I've always had somewhat libertarian tendencies, and feel that government's job should just be to provide essential services (health, roads, police, defence, etc) while leaving people's personal lives the hell alone. But I also hate stinking of smoke when I go out! At a time when the government (at all levels) is doing everything it can to increase its control over what people can and can't do, does them for once doing something I agree with make me a hypocrite?

Deep thoughts. Not something usually found in my ramblings. Normal service will be resumed soon. ;)

24 5x08: '2PM-3PM'

2006-02-14T19:36:00.000Z

Wow, Cal the mechanic's co-workers must be taking the longest lunch break in history. Or did we just not see Yellow Tie gunning them down one by one as they came back, holding half-eaten sandwiches and cans of Coke? "What the - UGH!" "Hey, what's - AGH!"

I'm in two minds about this episode. Yes, it was very tense, but it was also very predictable. Oh noes, the terrorists took Jack Fucking Bauer with them instead of just leaving with the bugged trigger! Oh noes, Yellow Tie had already abandoned the garage and taken the nerve gas with him! Oh noes, the Only Lead gets killed right before the end of the hour! Oh noes, yet another CTU perimeter is as airtight as a fishnet stocking! Bah!

On the other hand, the scenes between Logan, Crazy Martha and Mike (back to his old slimy spin-doctor ways - check out that smug smirk when Logan sides with him over Martha!) worked well, Evelyn the aide actually got some lines (I'd say the odds of her either being a mole or dying at the hands of another mole are now 100%), and CTU was portrayed as a competent, professional (Chloe was polite the whole episode!) and organised outfit. At least, it was until the Stupid Fat Hobbit starting arguing with JFB, leading to the aforementioned perimeter fuck-up. Didn't Logan grant him "autonomy"? Yes he did, and it was even in the previouslies. Shut the hell up, Samwise.

"Remember when I threw Lynne Kresge down that flight of stairs? You ain't seen nothing yet!"

I don't know. It was sort of '24 by numbers' (although what else would it be? There's a 2 and a 4, and that's it! ;), and while the numbers were good, there wasn't anything this week that hasn't been seen before. They need to throw in something completely from left field, and soon. Maybe a cougar...

BODY COUNT AFTER 8 EPISODES:

33: Mall Security Guard
Hasn't the guy seen Speed? If some repair guy you've never seen before and weren't expecting goes to get his 'paperwork', then you're likely to be dead within five seconds!

34: Komar (JACKED!)
Crushed between Jack Fucking Bauer's mighty thighs of doom. I thought only Xenia Onatopp could do that?

35-49: Assorted Mallrats
The estimate Mike gave Logan was for "10-20 casualties", so I'll split the difference and say 15 unless told otherwise later. Odds are the writers will forget this attack ever happened three episodes from now.

50: Polakov
Given (and obeying) a suicide order by phone? At least it wasn't a text. 'U KIL URSLF NOW BYE XXX'
Total: 50 dead, 11 Jacked
Jack Fucking Bauer's average death toll per episode: 1.375

Amy's rating (out of five): ***

Charmed 8x14: '12 Angry Zen'

2006-02-14T08:26:00.000Z

I think my strange obsession with Charmed might finally be dying away - sitting down to watch the download felt more like an obligation than something to be enthused about. The show has had its time (well, it probably had its time last year, but staggered back for one more season), and since the network it airs on in the States is about to cease to exist... I think it's into the final stretch.

Yet '12 Angry Zen' still managed to tease me with a little of the old magic that hooked me in the first place, simply because it was a Piper-heavy show. She was back on form, acting as the audience's surrogate by treating the supernatural bullshit hijinks of the week with the contempt it deserved, arching her eyebrows and rolling her eyes while firing out cutting zingers and regarding the selfish stupidity of all the other characters with disdain. I love her. I also love it when the writers remember that smart and snarky Piper is a lot funnier than pointlessly bitchy Piper, which is how they've been tending to write her because it's easier. (See also Chloe in the last couple of episodes of 24.)

"Phoebe! I told you to keep your damn dildos away from my kids!"

But this being Charmed, all that is good was of course ruined by Vile Billie, who took over the story and relegated Phoebe and Paige to pointless and stupid subplots. God, I hate her. I hate her lopsided face and her slanty mouth and her gallons of lipgloss and her caked-on eye makeup and her missing chin and her wrinkled neck and her bulging eyes and her hissing lisp and her search for her fucking stupid kidnapped sister and I want her to DIE. But no, she's not only lecturing Piper - Piper! - on how to use magic properly (which is like some spod who's just got his provisional licence telling Michael Schumacher how to drive), but she's been given a power that basically allows her to do anything. Literally anything. She can kill demons with a thought, bring back the dead, change the entire world to suit her whim. All that power in the hands of an utter fucking moron. But the writers can't see what a terrible idea that is, because they love Vile Billie and think this is The Vile Billie Show, Co-Starring Some Old Bitches. Wankers.

And yet, and yet... when Vile Billie was offscreen, and Phoebe and Paige were out of sight in their own pointless subplots, I was still entertained just because Piper got to be Piper again, rather than the shrill one-note caricature who's been taking her place far too often. Which is why, crappy as the show has become - okay, more crappy - I'm still going to miss it simply because Piper is one of my favourite TV characters ever. Even when she's blatantly doing wrong, she can do no wrong.

Amy's rating (out of five): ***

The Ride Of Your Death

2006-02-12T09:04:00.000Z

Saw Final Destination 3 last night. I like the FD movies more than your typical slasher films, because I get a kick out of the sheer sadistic ingenuity of how Death claims his victims. I have to admit that FD3 wasn't as good as its predecessors, partly because a lot of the deaths were definitely pushing it in terms of contrivance, and partly because it took a step back from FD2 in terms of characters, replacing the mixed group of (mostly sympathetic) adults from FD2 with the original's group of unlikeable teenagers.

On the other hand, that unlikeability does make their deaths more enjoyable, as I couldn't wait for them to be bumped off! Without giving too much away, we have death by sunbed, death by fan, death by nailgun, death by flag and death by tall thing, amongst others. By far the best (and goriest) takes place in a gym, with a great piece of misdirection involving a pair of ornamental swords. (The swords play a part in the death, but in an unexpected way.) My friend was cringing so much just with the anticipation of the fake-out that she covered her eyes and missed the actual death itself!

The traditional premonition of doom that kicks the film off takes place on a roller coaster this time, and it was a little disappointing in execution, if you'll excuse the word. Most of the victims just fall out, which was a let-down. Where were the decapitations and impalements? Pah! FD2's spectacular motorway pile-up is still the one to beat. The ending was weak as well, as if they didn't quite know how to finish the film so they just had it sort of... stop. Come on, where's the unexpected and ironic final accident?

But criticisms are pretty irrelevant, as it's the kind of film that's designed to do just one thing: kill annoying teenagers in unexpected and gruesome ways. Which it does. And on the way home I was paranoid about all the ways I might be 'accidentally' taken out, so in that respect it did its job!

Amy's rating (out of five) ***

Battlestar Galactica 2x16: 'Sacrifice'

2006-02-12T08:23:00.000Z

When a show like BSG decides to call an episode 'Sacrifice', you know that's not going to be good for somebody in the cast. When the previouslies then focus on two of the secondary characters, you get an idea who's in for a very bad day. And when the first few minutes of the episode then show a marriage proposal being turned down and somebody having their heart broken... well, you can almost see the undertaker taking measurements!

'Sacrifice', like the previous few episodes, is a more or less self-contained story that has little to do with the ongoing struggle against the Cylons, but which nevertheless is going to have a long-term impact on several of the characters. Rumours about Boomer (or maybe I should start calling her 'Sharon' by now, since technically she never earned the pilot's nickname) have spread through the fleet, causing all kinds of worries about Cylon influence in the military. A small group of terrorists takes hostages (including Apollo, Dualla, Billy and Ellen Tigh) aboard Cloud 9, their leader being the widow of a man who was killed in a Cylon raid. In return for the hostages' lives, she wants Sharon. Dead, dead, DEAD!

What looks at first like a standard TV 'good guys outwit the terrorists' story takes a major turn when things go horribly, hideously wrong. Starbuck, posing as a mechanic called in to fix the air supply (sabotaged by Apollo's creative use of dry ice), is quickly exposed and a gun battle erupts as Marines storm the room. Unfortunately, because none of the soldiers were properly prepared for the situation two of them are killed - and Starbuck, while engaging in a bit of John Woo two-gun slo-mo heroics, accidentally shoots Apollo. D'oh! And it's not just a flesh wound. She plugs him right in the chest, complete with one of the messiest blood-pack explosions I've ever seen on a TV show. I swear they put some chunks of ground beef in there as well.

Mmm, meaty chunks!

Having his son's lifeblood dribbling out onto the floor forces Adama's hand, and he gives them Sharon. Or Boomer, rather, in a piece of misdirection that I'd worked out even before Adama had. Once the deception is realised, the terrorists move to kill their hostages, the Marines storm the place again, and a character who's been in the show right from the start breathes his last. Billy, don't be a hero!

Strong, tense and shocking, 'Sacrifice' lifts BGC out of the dip that reached its nadir with 'Black Market'. That said, 'Black Market' causes a glitch with Apollo's character here. At one point, he's captured one of the terrorists and is using him as a bargaining chip. Their leader points a gun at Dualla, threatening to kill her, and taunts Apollo by saying he won't pull the trigger. Well, he did exactly that just two episodes back! So what happened to bitter, depressed and murderous Apollo? Or was the Apollo we saw in 'Black Market' a malfunctioning Cylon clone?

Amy's rating (out of five): ****

The Evil Not-Quite-Dead

2006-02-10T20:54:00.000Z

I just completed the main story in Resident Evil 4 on the PS2. Now that was a fun game! I wouldn't say it was scary, which is what the designers were obviously going for - but there were some sections that were creepy thanks to the sound effects, and others which were outright heart attack inducing because of the sheer panic, so they did a pretty good job.

Some of my favourite 'Woah!'/'Ow!'/' Oh shiiiit!'/'BWAH HAH HAH!' moments:

Getting too close to one of the chainsaw guys for the first time. I've never got such a laugh out of being killed with a single hit in my life!
Taking somebody's head off with the shotgun for the first time, only for the body to keep walking for a few steps before collapsing.
Taking somebody's head off with the shotgun - only for one of those bastard mutants with the scythe-like tentacle to pop out of the bloody neck stump!
The guy with matchsticks holding open his empty eye sockets. Creep-y.
Trying to protect Ashley as she operates the levers in the cathedral while at the same time defending Leon from about 20 monks. And then accidentally shooting her when one of the monks carries her off. Gah!
The utter nightmare of trying to blast the parasites off a Regenerator with the rifle using the infra-red scope - while it's advancing on you far too quickly and making that horrible wheezing noise.
The absolute "Oh, fuck!" scene when the farmhouse is assaulted from all sides by dozens of Ganados.
Having a total "Yee-HAH!" moment when the helicopter gunship appears and blows the shit out of the huge crowd of villagers surrounding you with a Gatling gun.

That said, there were some things I could have done without. It had the same old lousy voice acting and crappy lines as any other Resident Evil game (though at least there was a kind of meta-joke about the bad script in there). The puzzles were as stupid and annoying as ever too. God, the one with the three rotating glass discs pissed me off! And while I appreciate the attempt to do something different with the cutscenes... Capcom guys, I hate to break this to you but Dragon's Lair is 23 years old. Flashing up a button combination to push one millisecond before Leon gets killed is not new and innovative!

And this is a more general complaint about modern games in general, but I hate boss battles. They are not fun, they are tedious and frustrating. The Salazar fight in particular nearly had me throwing my controller at the wall. Shoot eye twice. Dodge tentacle. Wait for shell to open. Shoot Salazar. Dodge tentacle. Shoot eye twice. Dodge tentacle. Wait for... you get the idea. The routine is repeated at least ten times. And you have a very limited supply of rifle ammo, and if you mess up with the tentacle-dodging there's a good chance you'll be thrown halfway across the room, lose loads of energy and have to run all the way back to the sniping spot. Not fun. BORING. Do you hear me, Capcom? And everyone else? (No, of course not. Bastards.)

But the good far outweighed the bad. Having a bunch of bonus missions open up once the game is completed (which took me 24 hours of play over the course of a week) is a nice little extra as well, which more games should do. If you've got the engine and the environments already created, why not give players a reward for finishing the game? (For some reason, I actually found Ada hotter in her body armour and combat gear of the extra missions than even her regular outfit, a rather nice cheongsam-type dress. Must be a 'girls with guns' thing. ;)

One thing about the ending, though: Ashley could be annoying, but she was also quite cute at the same time, even in that fugly outfit. Leon, the 20-year-old daughter of the President of the United States just offered you a no-strings, you-saved-me-from-evil-maniacs gratitude shag. And you turned it down! What are you, an idiot?

Romana!

2006-02-08T22:00:00.000Z

Ahhh, Mary Tamm as Romana in Doctor Who, 1978-9... my first crush. Which probably gives you an idea of how old I am. ;) I've had a thing for posh brunette ice queens ever since. Her white dress here might come from a 1970s kids' show... but I still want it!

And also, just because I can... Romana in bondage! Mwah hah hah! Beautiful women in thigh boots being tied up - that's really what Doctor Who's all about! (No wonder I turned out like I did!)

24 5x07: '1PM-2PM'

2006-02-07T18:04:00.000Z

It's filler week over at CTU! There's a new terrorist threat, but the terrorists can't be allowed to act on it just yet because there's still another 17 episodes to go, which means they have to do something else for an hour. Which means Jack Fucking Bauer can't go after them just yet either as they'd be too easy to catch, so the writers need to keep him occupied as well by throwing in some random complication. And if JFB's busy, then everybody else has to be tied up with trivia too.

So bring out the old subplots! Just what we need, another CTU member (this time, the Stupid Fat Hobbit) with a crazy relative causing trouble. Poor old Samwise, literally pimp-smacked. And the 'brand-new bad guy who's the only link to the terrorists' storyline? Seen it. Said only link gets blown away just before the turn of the hour, right when the terrorists are about to call? Yup. Plot-wise, nothing really happened this week except for Walt Cumming's suicide (OR WAS IT?), and he'd pretty much played out his role in the conspiracy. You can always tell when somebody's on the way out, because they get their own personalised box in the previouslies. Bye, Walt! Ta-ta, Spenser!

Speaking of Spenser, it's good to know Chloe's as tactless and awkward when firing people as she is when she finds them in her bed. I doubt Spenser'll be asking her for a reference. And Edgar - oh, what a gloating bastard! Who would have thought he was a masochistic submissive? But it all makes sense - he loves having Chloe abuse him! And now he thinks he's got her all to himself. Forget it, tubby - the only man she's interested in has a name that rhymes with Snack Hour.

Unless, of course, the smile really means... Edgar's a mole!

"Yes! From now on, the only person serving Mistress Chloe with camomile tea will be ME!"

It was still perfectly watchable, and the 'underage Russian sex slave' subplot was a left-field plot twist (what with this and Battlestar Galactica using the same sleazy shock ploy a couple of weeks ago, it's a regular paedogeddon on US TV right now!). But the episode was obviously killing time until the next big twist or major threat can be brought into play. 24 thrives on action, tension and surprises, and this week was conspicuously lacking in all three. Crack open that nerve gas!

BODY COUNT AFTER 7 EPISODES:

28: Security Guard #1 (JACKED!)
"He's got an automatic weapon!" Not for long, he doesn't.

29: Security Guard #2 (JACKED!)
Shot through the heart! And Jack's to blame!

30: Walt Cummings
Chooses the Ian Curtis way out of his predicament.

31: Cal the mechanic
If a terrorist promises not to hurt you, he's lying. Will people never learn?

32: Jacob Rossler
Sounds like Hannibal Lecter. Beats up underage girls. Gunned down like a dog.
Total: 32 dead, 10 Jacked

Amy's rating (out of five): ***

The Top Ten Most Embarrassing Songs In My iTunes Playlist

2006-02-07T14:43:00.000Z

10: 'Jump (For My Love)' by Girls Aloud
Even cheesier than the original. And I've never even seen Love Actually!

9: 'Fantasy Island' by Tight Fit
A yacht. Big perms. White stilettos. A naff song. It could only be... the '80s!

8: 'Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In' by The Fifth Dimension
I'm not really a hippie, honest!

7: 'Gertcha' by Chas & Dave
Comedy pub-rock once used to advertise pints of best. Cor blimey, me old mucker!

6: 'Safety Dance' by Men Without Hats
Simpsons quote: "Or as they're known today, Men Without Jobs!"

5: 'Tell It To My Heart' by Taylor Dayne
Those one-hit '80s wonders just keep on coming!

4: 'We Call It Acieed' by D-Mob
Of all the songs from my university days, why is this one in my collection? I never even did drugs!

3: 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-A-Lot
I think Rachel from Friends described this as "offensive novelty rap about buttocks". Which is quite accurate. My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon!

2: 'The Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins' by Leonard Nimoy
And you thought Shatner was bad?

And at the top of the list of songs that I wouldn't admit to my friends that I have in my possession...

1: 'So Macho' by Sinitta
Even more shamefully, this is far from the only Sinitta song in my playlist! But at least it's not Sonia. I have some standards!

Could not be any more '80s if she had a mobile phone the size of a breezeblock

Battlestar Galactica 2x15: 'Scar'

2006-02-04T20:03:00.000Z

Scar? Wasn't he in The Lion King?

This was better than 'Black Market', though that's not exactly a hard thing to achieve. But it still didn't get up to the levels of which the show is capable either. That's two episodes in a row that have been all ANGST!, all the time. And you know what? Screw angst. I hate angst. If I want angst, I'll go and watch the last couple of seasons of Buffy. And then throw up in a bucket, because they sucked.

Character drama is one thing, but torturing characters and having them reach the end of the episode in a worse state than when they started... After a while, it stops being entertainment. There's a whole world full of people having a really, really shitty time for real - I watch TV shows to get away from that stuff.

So this week it's Starbuck's guilt trip and descent into alcohol abuse. The irony! She hates Tigh, but now she's becoming just like him! And the double irony! The fighter pilot she most dislikes (Kat) is getting in her face and behaving exactly like Starbuck did before her promotion! And pilots are dying and she's obsessed with a dead guy and she has terrible friendship-damaging not-quite sex with Apollo and Kat's now got her fancy top gun beer stein. Oh, the ANGST!

I hate angst. Did I mention that? Katee Sackhoff did a great acting job with it, but god, couldn't we have one tiny moment of relief from the misery?

I think I've figured out why Galactica is so fond of flashbacks and flash-forwards, as well. It allows them to re-use those expensive CGI effects two, or in this case three times in the same episode! Admittedly they were very good CGI effects, but there are limits to how many times you can watch the same scene play out, especially as this wasn't some fancy Star Trek-style time loop affair. It was just 'ooh, aren't we clever, where's our Emmy?' editing.

After the botched plastic surgery, KITT went on a killing spree.

'Scar' the Cylon was rather cool, though. At first it sounded a ridiculous idea, a raider with a grudge, but after Boomer explained that raiders used the (now destroyed) resurrection ship when they were destroyed just like the human Cylons, it made a lot of sense. Especially if, as the 'previously on BSG' suggested, Scar was the same raider whose brain Starbuck lobotomised in season 1. No wonder he was pissed off! And his death was quite spectacular. And splatty.

But I'm sure I wasn't the only person expecting (hoping?) that Kat would get blown to shit by the other raider right in the middle of her victory celebration...

Amy rating (out of five): ***

24 Day 5: Updated Body Count!

2006-02-03T15:45:00.000Z

I should have been working today, but instead I found myself procrastinating horribly. Since I wasn't going to get anything done anyway, I decided to waste even more time by updating the 24 Day 5 body count. I've seen several different figures online, so I thought I'd try to come up with a definitive list. And here it is!

1: Former President David Palmer
Cut down by an assassin's bullet. In, as Chloe would say, THE NECK.

2: Michelle Dessler
Car bomb/flying car door combo. With an exploding fuel tank just to wrap things up.

3: Bald Assassin (JACKED!)
Mess with Chloe O'Brian and Jack Fucking Bauer will kill you. Watch out, Spenser!

4: Assassin Driver (JACKED!)
Shot several times and crashes into another car. Airbag of no value against Bauer Power.

5: Presidential Assassin (JACKED!)
When Jack Fucking Bauer says he'll get you medical attention, he means from a pathologist.

6: Chevensky
Takes a cyanide pill rather than face being Jacked. Probably a wise move.

7: Airport Security Guard #1
When faced with armed terrorists, try ducking next time. Oh, sorry, there is no next time.

8: Airport Security Guard #2
Similarly, running out to see what all the gunfire-like noise is? Not a good idea.

9: Hostage #1
Bad day to trade in all those Air Miles, Mr. Businessman.

10: Terrorist #1 (JACKED!)
Taken out by a combination of Chloe's Mad Photoshop Skillz and JFB's phone of DEATH!

11: Terrorist #2 (JACKED!)
JFB gets a twofer! At first I thought this guy was just knocked down by the explosion, but he's still on the floor right where he fell 15 minutes later. I assume he's not napping.

12: Hostage #2
Ironically, he only came in to use the restroom.

13-14: Terrorists #3 and #4
CTU take out two bad guys in the same picture! It's almost as if they're competent or something!

15: Terrorist #5
Another goon goes down in a hail of CTU gunfire.

16: Terrorist #6
And another. It's Chechen carnage!

17-19: Terrorists #7, #8 and #9
Aaargh! Aaaiiieee! GAK!

20-21: Terrorists #10 and #11
Setting up perimeters? CTU suck. Mowing down terrorists? CTU don't suck. As much.

22-23: Terrorists #12 and #13 (JACKED!)
Fed up that there's killing being done and he's not a part of it, JFB gets busy.

24: Beresh
Obviously a big fan of the novel A Million Little Pieces, because that's how he ends up.

25: Dr. Paulson
HIS NAME WAS DR. PAULSON! HIS NAME WAS DR. PAULSON!

26: Hank (JACKED!)
Scissors. IN THE NECK. Complete with squishy, crunchy sound effect. Awesome.

27: Schaeffer
Jeez, you try to double-cross a group of terrorists and they kill you for it! Who would have expected that?

So that makes a total of 27 dead so far, of whom eight were Jacked. That means Jack Fucking Bauer has killed an average of 1.333' people per hour. There's room for improvement. Go Jack!

Hollywood Hooker

2006-02-03T12:28:00.000Z

Movie director Lee Tamahori is a whore!

Well, I knew that already, since he completely sold out by making crap like Die Another Day and XXX 2. But in this case, it's literally true. See here.

I'm certainly not judging him. After all, I've been known to dress up like... well, you can see in the picture to the left. The difference is that A: I did it for fun, not money, and B: I didn't make the elementary mistake of propositioning an undercover policeman on the street. Hey, let them come to you - if they make the first move, it's entrapment!

I can completely understand why Tamahori (Tamawhori? Hee!) did it, which I suspect a lot of people won't. It's the thrill that comes from going a bit further every time. For me, hooker stuff has been in the realms of fantasy and role-play, not an actual urge to strut around the streets of Bournemouth in a pair of thigh-high boots and do it for real. But even the boundaries of fantasies and role-play expand the more I do them. I've definitely wondered 'what if...' plenty of times - and from some of the emails I get, I think I could find customers easily enough! ;)

For him... well, he's a successful Hollywood director. He certainly wasn't doing it for the money! If it was just sex he was after, that could easily have been arranged discreetly, but he went out on the street as a girl touting for johns anyway... which doesn't necessarily mean that he wanted to get caught, but I bet the risk of doing so was a part of why he did it.

I do have to be a bitch about something, though. The guy looks like this. --> I'm having a hard time imagining that even a really good makeover, a great wig and an awesome outfit could make him look sexy en femme. Maybe that's why he had to approach the punters in the hopes of getting an offer! (God, I really am a bitch, aren't I? It's not like I look like Brad Pitt as a guy!)

Next time, Lee, give Eddie Murphy a call first!

Souper!

2006-01-31T19:15:00.000Z

I just found
<-- this
lurking in the back of my kitchen cupboard.

I don't know what's more embarrassing, that I had something in there that was well over a decade past its use-by date... or that there was a time when I used to eat cup-a-soups.

24 5x06: '12PM-1PM'

2006-01-31T17:41:00.000Z

Walt Cummings, master of getting his point across! The scene where he explained the entire nerve gas plot to Logan was a masterpiece of exposition, completely unimpeded by extraneous detail (or any kind of reality). Succinct, and to the point. Why can't real politicians communicate like that? Sure, he was confessing to treason and leading the US into a military conflict for the sake of oil, but he'd easily win the Plain English award.

One of these pictures shows a character delivering rapid-fire exposition at such insane length that it becomes comical. The other shows Renée Zellweger in Down With Love.

This was one of those transition episodes that 24 likes to do every six or so weeks, when the writers have exhausted one set of plots and turn everything upside down. Fortunately, the new threat at least seems related to the old one, unlike Day 4's Imhotep plots where every threat was just a diversion from something even bigger! So Crazy Martha has been vindicated, Cummings has been exposed, Palmer's assassins have been found and Jack Fucking Bauer is proven innocent - but now Yellow Tie Guy is pissed off that Cummings double-crossed him and has stolen the virus vials, er, nerve gas to use against the United States. What's the betting Diane and Derek will be tied to one of them as it ticks down to explode? JFB can never catch a break.

Which was proved when Orrrdrey called him in the middle of his vital undercover mission to chinwag about their feelings for each other. Shut up, Orrrdrey. And your shoes are horrible. Even Chloe has sexier footwear, and she's in trainers. There was entirely too much emotional yakking this week. I watch 24 for tension and excitement, not soapy love triangles where one of the corners is a woman I can't stand and another is a woman to whom I'm indifferent. Every minute Orrdrey is blathering on is a minute where Chloe isn't being amusingly bitchy or Jack Fucking Bauer isn't kicking the crap out of somebody.

But on that subject... oh, I knew Cummings was going to get the full Bauer Power treatment, and he did. It took a while for it to happen, but it was so worth the wait. It was all the more entertaining for happening right in front of the President of the United States, who stood there utterly impotently as his chief of staff had the shit beaten out of him and a knife jabbed into his eye socket in his own office.

So now what? Eighteen weeks of chasing nerve gas cannisters? Or is Puffy Bluetooth Vampire Man going to unleash another unexpected twist in, oh, six weeks? Whatever happens, I want A: more Chloe, who barely appeared this week, and B: more Jack Fucking Bauer kicking politicians so hard in the ribcage that they cough out their own hearts. That scene alone was worth an extra star for an episode that was otherwise a bit slow. Shut up, Orrrdrey!

24 SCOREBOARD
Body count: 26 (Jack 6)
"Who are you working for?!?" count: 3
"We're running out of time!" count: 2
"Where is the [WMD]?!? count: 2

Amy's rating (out of five): ****

Battlestar Galactica 2x14: 'Black Market'

2006-01-29T14:04:00.001Z

Galactica's getting kind of literal with its titles, isn't it? This season we've had 'Resistance' (about a resistance group), 'Pegasus' (featuring a ship called Pegasus), 'Resurrection Ship' (with a ship that resurrected Cylons) and now 'Black Market'. See if you can guess what it's about!

This episode was Apollo-centric, and it wasn't nearly as good as the last several stories. Remember how Apollo was depressed and borderline suicidal after his near-death experience in 'Resurrection Ship, Part 2'? It seems he's been trying to deal with it by sleeping with a hooker. Oh noes! Golden boy Apollo's got a dark side! And apparently he's decided that if he's going to have a dark side, he might as well really go for it, as it also turns out that he's been dealing with the black market and that back in the golden oldie days on Caprica, he dumped his girlfriend after getting her pregnant. And then at the end of the episode he shoots a guy in cold blood. A bad guy, admittedly, but still. You know, there's making your heroes flawed, and then there's making them assholes. I'm just saying.

And oh my God, they killed Fisk! You bastards! During the Pegasus trilogy, Fisk seemed a by-the-book man pushed into doing bad things because he was following Cain's orders. Now, it turns out he was a complete sleazeball all along, which doesn't really fit with what we saw of him before, but whatever. It turns out he was murdered because he got greedy with his side of a major black market operation (I guess he didn't hang around setting it up once the Pegasus joined the fleet), and for some bizarre reason Apollo is assigned to the Columbo role. He's not so much a fighter pilot these days as Captain Zep: Space Detective. The investigation brings him into contact with various bad sorts, the baddest of whom is Bill Duke, who's not listed in Hey! It's That Guy! but really should be. After all, he was 'the big bald black guy Arnie impaled with a coffee table in Commando' and 'the big bald black guy who got his brains splattered into the camera by the Predator in Predator'. (He also directed Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit, which is kind of a blow to his hard-man status...) Here he's 'the big bald black guy who sells children for sex', just so you know how really bad he is.

"Scared, motherfucker? You should be. 'Cause this Green Beret's gonna kick your ass."

Which makes me wonder - is there really such a big demand that he needs an entire room full of children to support it? Considering that there are fewer than 50,000 people in the fleet (with three more for Roslin to wipe off her whiteboard by the end of the episode), what's the paedophile/regular person ratio? Which of the 12 colonies is Planet Paedo? Wouldn't they have other things to worry about, like, say, just staying alive? It also begs the question of exactly how the economic situation aboard the fleet works, since the only money in circulation would be whatever cash people were carrying with them when the Cylons attacked. Which is probably a question the writers would rather you didn't think about, but since they brought it up...

Other questions they hoped wouldn't be thought about: how can one of the ships in the fleet go 'off the grid'? It's not like Galactica doesn't know where it is, and how much traffic goes to it. (A lot, it would seem, which you would think would raise suspicions in itself.) And with resources (especially fuel, since the refinery ship was damaged last week) in short supply, how come there is so much traffic shuttling from ship to ship all the time? Again, only 50,000 people. Why are they moving around so much? It's not like they need to commute. Maybe that's why some ships are short of supplies - it's because inconsiderate bastards keep going to them and nicking all their food, like students. In space.

ANYWAY. The whole child slavery thing is just a weak contrivance to make us hate Bill Duke even more so that we cheer when Apollo shoots him. Which was actually a bit of a surprise, because generally on TV the heroes don't rudely interrupt people mid-sentence by shooting them in the chest. Unless they're Jack Fucking Bauer, and even he's normally considerate enough to let them finish speaking before he saws their heads off. Bill Duke's goons amazingly don't shoot Apollo back, but just listen to his sanctimonious speech about how while the black market is inevitable, there are limits, don't hurt kids, yadda yadda. In other words, there's this one ship in the fleet that's like a crazy illegal bazaar, and he's going to let it keep working because apparently the unfettered free market is a better way of distributing resources than a centralised authority allocating according to need. Basically, need food/medicine + no money = shit out of luck. Margaret Thatcher would be so proud.

The episode didn't really go anywhere for Apollo. He starts out depressed, and ends up depressed, only he's now a depressed murderer (not that he'll ever have to pay for that minor crime). Joy. Episodes like this make the Cylon view of humanity a lot more understandable.

Amy's rating (out of five): **

Seventeen Stealth Stupidities

2006-01-25T19:50:00.000Z

I have a penchant for crappy movies, and I'm also kind of a geek when it comes to jet fighters. I'm no expert, but I can tell my MiGs from my Mirages. So Stealth combined a crappy movie with jet fighters - excellent! (There aren't exactly a lot of jet fighter movies around, good or bad. There's Firefox, and Top Gun, and that's about it. And no, the Iron Eagle films don't count. Because they were the wrong kind of bad. The shit kind.)

Stealth is a really, really bad film, of the right kind - the awesomely stupid and cheesy kind that does everything so wrong you can't believe it ever got made. Pick a plot and stick with it, for Christ's sake. There's the 'Evil Robot Plane', the 'Hot Chick Shot Down Behind Enemy Lines', the 'Crooked Politicians Betray Our Boys', the 'Computer Learns What It Means To Feel Emotions', the 'Yeehah, Whup Them Terrorists!'... Then there's the millions of dollars of SFX, which would have looked great if they hadn't been choreographed by a retarded Xbox 360 junkie with epilepsy who just ate two full bags of sugar and followed it up with a triple-hit of crack. Also, it came out after Team America, so all the flagwaving and slow-motion shots of our heroes striding towards the camera can't be taken the slightest bit seriously any more. America, fuck yeah!

Hardly surprising that it was the biggest flop of 2005. Budget of over $130 million, worldwide takings... about $40 million. Some pony-tailed LA tosser found himself without a new BMW for Christmas after that, I'd guess.

So here are just 17 of the stupidest things about Stealth. I just picked the number because it was alliterative - there are many more!

1: "And our next plane will be called the Allied Night Attack Laser Penetrator"
Like not one single person at the Pentagon realised that Extreme Deep Invader was a name just begging to be mocked. They might as well have called it the Vibematic Clit Buster. And as if that wasn't bad enough...

2: Sweet Fanny Adams!
The EDI's air intake looks like a big brass vagina. Really.

"That's the biggest pussy I've ever seen! The biggest pussy I've ever seen!"

3: Spy Hard
EDI uses a spy satellite to identify three terrorists. The first one, he matches a voiceprint. What? How the fuck can a satellite, in space, hear someone's voice? The second, he zooms right in from 300 miles up so he can get a retina scan. No. Just no. Fuck off. And as for the third, who's tagged when EDI spots his thumbprint from orbit... listen, bitch, there's only one person whose Mad Photoshop Skillz are that good, and that's Chloe O'Brian. And she already has an Extreme Deep Invader of her own. It's in her bedside cabinet, and she calls it Jack Bauer.

4: Burn, Baby, Burn!
Every single aircraft in the film is flying on afterburners, all the time. Even during dogfights. No wonder they had to make a pitstop for more fuel at that stupid damn blimp.

5: Pimp My Plane
And speaking of afterburners, what the hell were those dozens of flaming mini-engines around the Talon's engine nozzles meant to be? Are they 'bling'?

Fo'shizzle, bitches.

6: HAL 9... Something
The evil computer has a glowing red eye, can lip-read, and resorts to violence when threatened with being shut down. I might have seen that before in some obscure movie that nobody's ever heard of. 2002: A Spice Odyssey, I think it was called.

7: Number Five Is Alive!
EDI goes nuts when lightning strikes the plane. So they spent billions of dollars on a new super-fighter, but couldn't afford a surge protector?

8: The Claw Is Our Master
The filmmakers called their super-kewl fighter jet the 'Talon'. Too bad there's already an American plane called the Talon - the T-38. It's the standard US jet trainer, it's been around for years, and it's still going to be around for a long time. As they would have found out if they'd spent five seconds on Google. Morons.

9: You Must Think In Russian
The best design they could come up with for the Talon was just a curvy Firefox? Lazy bastards.

Clint Eastwood is so going to kick Rob Cohen's ass.

10: The Ran-Goon Show
The filmmakers at least remembered that Burma changed its name to Myanmar in 1989. Too bad they didn't remember that its capital, Rangoon, also changed its name to Yangon at the same time. Which they would have known if they'd opened a fucking atlas.

11: Before Sunset
The Talons and EDI take off on their first mission from the Philippine Sea, which means they have to fly more or less west to reach Myanmar. They're doing Mach 4, and it's still daytime when they set off. If you travel west at supersonic speeds, you're actually outpacing the sun, so it's like turning back the clock. But when they get to Yangon, or Rangoon, or whatever, it's dark. Guess they went the long way around the world. And yes, this one is way geeky, but fuck it - they're still wrong. And idiots.

12: The Fast And The Fuck It
Rob Cohen, if you ever do another one of those shots where the camera flies at high speed through the engine of a car or a plane or whatever, I am going to come round to your house and backhand you out of your leather rave trousers.

13: Bandwidth, Schmandwidth!
Of course the best way to make use of our vital secure tactical link to the aircraft is to have constant streaming video of the pilot's face from multiple angles!

14: Ship Of Fuels
According to the map, there are 13 of those stupid damn blimps around the world. Some of them are in sensible places to refuel US planes - off Alaska, the North Atlantic, the Indian Ocean and three in the Pacific. On the other hand, the others are over Kansas (that hotspot of air warfare - maybe they plan to shoot down Dorothy's house), Brazil, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Iran (!), Australia and two right on the northern borders of Russia! It must be 'the near future' if none of those other countries are the slightest bit worried about enormous American fuel tankers that explode like nuclear bombs hovering over their territory. Maybe Bush invaded Iran after all.

The secret map to Rob Cohen's stashes of crack.

15: You Gotta Cut Me, Mick!
When Jessica Albielimpson (c'mon, there were a lot of blonde Jessicas in terrible movies in 2005, it gets confusing) ejected from her plane, she ended up with a deep yet aesthetically pleasing cut on her cheek - inside her helmet. After Gannon crashed, so did he. Only in both cases, the helmets and faceplates were completely undamaged. So how the hell did they get cut? Do they keep loose razor blades inside the helmets in case of emergencies? (I guess they've got nowhere else to keep them: see 17.)

16: Enemies Approaching, Keptain! Keptain?
So the Russians are told by a US government official that there's a rogue plane in their airspace, and are given the permission and wherewithal to track and destroy it. The rogue plane then blows up three of their most advanced fighters, helped by an American pilot (here's a plan - your plane can fly at Mach 4, so why not just bug the hell out and let the Ruskies blow up the drone that you hate?), who technically just murdered two Russians. And the Russians... do nothing. Must be all that vodka.

17: When You Look This Good, You Don't Have To Care About Anything
Jessica's skin-tight flight suit might look great on her - that and her gratuitous bikini scene were probably the reason this movie got made - but when she crashed in North Korea I bet she wished she had one of the baggy unflattering ones real pilots wear. So that she could use all the survival gear kept in the fucking pockets.

"We're done? Awesome! Fuck you, everybody!"

Girls With Guns

2006-01-24T18:20:00.000Z

I have a twisted fetish. No, not transvestism. Or high heels. Or latex, or PVC, or bondage, any of that. No, this one's even more warped.

I think girls with guns are hot.

Now, that's definitely not PC. But what can I do? Women with heavy ordnance turn me on, and that's that. :p Fortunately, it seems that quite a few film directors feel the same way. And some of them are even kinky about it! So enjoy my perversion, and without further ado, and in no particular order, here are my favourite GWGs - Girls With Guns!

Chloe O'Brian
(Mary Lynn Rajskub, 24)
Okay, this one's cheating because it's a TV show. But if you've read my 24 witterings you'll know that I love Chloe, and this was (so far) her greatest moment. Whenever anyone else on the show is threatened by a terrorist, they wait for Jack Fucking Bauer to save them. Not Chloe. She picks up a Colt Commando and shoots the fucker five times in the head. Then shoots him some more. And doesn't even feel bad about it afterwards.
Outfit: As much as I love Chloe, I don't want to dress like her. *
Hotness: Spenser, you lucky bastard. ***
Firepower: Chloe's only shot at two guys (so far), but she nailed both of them. Repeatedly. I'm surprised Jack hasn't married her. ***

Wai Lin
(Michelle Yeoh, Tomorrow Never Dies)
Just to be clear, Michelle Yeoh doesn't actually need a gun. She could kick my ass without one. Or your ass. Or James Bond's ass. Even Chuck Norris's ass. Jack Fucking Bauer? Mmm, close call. But in this case, she's obviously decided that since she's going to be using a machine gun, she might as well use two of them at the same time. The fact that she's basically fighting an evil Rupert Murdoch (is that a tautology?) just bangs home the fact that she's going for total overkill.
Outfit: Basic black figure-hugging catsuit. Always a classic. ***
Hotness: She'll kick my ass if she doesn't get a good rating. ****
Firepower: Twin MP-5s, plus some of those cool ninja death star things hidden in her boots. ****

Vasquez
(Jeanette Goldstein, Aliens)
There's a place in Los Angeles called Vasquez Rocks. And she does. She's definitely way too far on the butch side for me, but hell, that's a genuine Doom-style Big Fucking Gun. And it sounds like World War 3 whenever she fires it. James Cameron clearly has a thing for girls with guns as well as me. Too bad he didn't have Rose chasing Billy Zane around the Titanic with an Uzi. That would have been the best movie ever.
Outfit: Bulldyke combat gear and a Rambo bandana? Nada. *
Hotness: Sorry, but bodybuilder chic ain't for me. *
Firepower: LET'S ROCK! *****

Trinity
(Carrie-Anne Moss, The Matrix)
See, I always suspected there was something about at least one of the Wachowski brothers even before Larry ran off with a dominatrix and started gender reassignment. All that skin-tight PVC? Dead giveaway. And The Matrix Revolutions was a piece of shit, but that nightclub scene might as well have been ten minutes of him on the block dressed as a French maid in latex and getting his arse paddled when it came to someone putting their fantasies onto the big screen.
Outfit: Skin-tight PVC. Works for me. ****
Hotness: Trinity kind of looks like a bloke at times, sorry. ***
Firepower: Shooting a guy with his own shotgun - while he was holding it - was seven kinds of cool. ****

Selene
(Kate Beckinsale, Underworld)
How to make a successful movie. 1: Take extremely attractive woman. 2: Put her in skin-tight leather and latex for the entire film. 3: Give her an enormous arsenal of shiny guns. 4: Make the whole thing really dark and moody so the goths'll love it. 5: By the way, she's a fucking vampire. Fighting werewolves. Ka-ching! On the DVD commentary, Kate Beckinsale complains about all the times her catsuit gave her visible camel-toe. Now I bet you're going to watch it again, aren't you? Perv.
Outfit: Are you kidding? Latex. Leather. PVC. Corsets. It's like my dream wardrobe. *****
Hotness: Bit of a boiler, isn't she... no, actually. *****
Firepower: Not enough machine guns, but those semi-auto pistols are pretty cool. ****

Dana Scully
(Gillian Anderson, The X Files)
Another TV cheat, but then I am a TV, so I don't care. Scully was always a smouldering little redhead sexpot at the best of times, but the otherwise very silly episode 'First Person Shooter' (I can't believe William Gibson, one of my favourite authors, wrote it!) featured Scully rescuing Mulder from a lethally malfunctioning virtual reality game by tooling up with a machine gun almost as big as her and blasting the shit out of everything in sight. Every episode of every television show ever should feature at least one scene like that. It'd liven up Corrie no end.
Outfit: Generic Space Marine togs, nicked from the local Quasar. **
Hotness: It's Gillian Anderson, for God's sake! *****
Firepower: Looks cool, but sadly it's not real. **

Sarah
(A puppet, Team America)
Yeah, I know. She's a puppet. But she looks at least as realistic as your typical Real Doll, and people pay thousands of dollars for them - and besides, look at that gun!
Outfit: Pink camo overalls. Very Commando Barbie. ***
Hotness: She's a puppet. So either * or ***** depending on your imagination.
Firepower: Ol' Painless is waiting... ****

Ellen Ripley
(Sigourney Weaver, Aliens)
The original firepower femme, Ripley rocks through Aliens even harder than Vasquez. You have to admire her ingenuity in duct-taping together that awesome machine gun/grenade launcher/flamethrower combo - and then using every last dreg of ammo in rescuing poor li'l Newt. Bonus marks for going absolutely batshit crazy in the Alien Queen's lair and basically leaving nothing for the impending nuclear explosion to destroy. Then she beats the shit out of the Queen with a giant robotic exoskeleton. Best film ever.
Outfit: Boring workaday overalls. Excellent high-top trainers, though. **
Hotness: Sigourney Weaver still looks hot today, so 20 years ago... ****
Firepower: Watch that ammo counter go down! ****

Lilith Silver
(Eileen Daly, Razor Blade Smile)
How to make a successful movie. 1: Take extremely attractive woman. 2: Put her in skin-tight leather and latex for the entire film. 3: Give her an enormous arsenal of shiny guns. 4: Make the whole thing really dark and moody so the goths'll love it. 5: By the way, she's a fucking vampire. A vampire hitwoman. A bisexual vampire hitwoman. You know, I think there's a chance the creators of Underworld might possibly have seen this low-budget (£20K!) but fun Brit-flick from 1998...
Outfit: If I could, I would dress like Lilith Silver all the time. *****
Hotness: She's not much of an actress, but damn, who cares? *****
Firepower: All those assault rifles in her coffin, but she hardly uses them. Shame. ***

Lara Croft
(Angelina Jolie, Tomb Raider)
It's sad to admit it, but I am Lara's bitch, and have been ever since the first Tomb Raider game came out a decade ago. I still play it, and Tomb Raider 2 as well. (The games have a weird inverse relationship of quality to technology after that. God, The Angel Of Darkness sucked. I still completed it, though...) This bit probably applies as much to Game Lara as Angelara, but I just enjoy watching toff totty in tight tops running around exterminating endangered species with twin pistols - and obviously enjoying it. Have to admit that my favourite incarnation of Lara was Rhona Mitra though - it must have been the tight rubber top and extremely hot pants...
Outfit: See comment about Rhona Mitra immediately above. ****
Hotness: Hell, even the PlayStation version had it going on, so as for Angelina... *****
Firepower: Once she gets the Uzis with unlimited ammo, then we're talking. ***

24 5x05: '11AM-12PM'

2006-01-24T15:56:00.000Z

Just when I thought an entire episode of 24 was going to go by without anybody dying... Jack Fucking Bauer delivers! The fight between him and an assassin who looked a bit like Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap in the CTU medical bay was edge-of-the-seat awesome and so full of crunching sound effects that I was cringing in my seat. Never kick Jack Fucking Bauer in the balls - it just makes him angrier.

When Jack Bauer runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Even though this was an action-light story (until the very end!), it was incredibly tense all the way through, helped by music that was almost like a nervous heartbeat. I was practically screaming at Chloe to get out of the systems room, because that's where Really Bad Things usually happen to the female characters, but amazingly she managed to find out what was going on without having somebody come in and tie her up or shoot her. And I knew her creepy new sex toy was a mole, I bloody knew it! I'm just astounded they didn't drag it out for another six weeks.

But now the bad guys have gone and done it. They've pissed off Jack Fucking Bauer, and he knows who they are. JFB's growl of "I'm not with CTU" when he announced he was going to march into the Presidential retreat and (I hope) torture the fuck out of Walt Cummings got a cheer from me, and probably millions of other people. I haven't been this thrilled and desperate to see the next episode of a TV show since... well, the second season of 24, probably!

My love for Chloe, incidentally, grows with every episode. She was so unbelievably rude to Edgar that my jaw was just hanging open. Not even David Brent could manage that degree of clueless insensitivity. Basil Fawlty is more polite to his guests than Chloe is to her 'friends'! And she treated that little shit of a mole Spenser exactly how he deserved:

Chloe: "I was unfairly harsh to you a few minutes ago, I didn't mean anything."
Spenser: "All right. Apology accepted."
Chloe: "It wasn't really an apology, it was more of an observation."

HEE! And then after that she immediately went and exposed him as a mole to Buchanan. Best of all, Spenser's attempt to dismiss her claims as some kind of 'woman scorned' emotional vendetta against him were completely ignored. Buchanan knows her a lot better than Spenser does...

And now I have to wait a whole week for the next episode? I can't take the suspense!

24 SCOREBOARD
Body count: 25 (Jack 6)
"Who do you work for?!?" count: 3
"We're running out of time!" count: 2

Amy's rating (out of five): *****

Wasting My Time Is A Crime

2006-01-23T22:37:00.000Z

Have you had to endure the crappy advert that's started appearing on DVDs, the incredibly annoying, patronising and insulting anti-piracy warning with the awful music and the epileptic editing? As if it wasn't bad enough that it appears on every disc of 24 season 4 before all the other copyright rubbish, today I rented a DVD and found the same thing there - only this time, it couldn't even be skipped or fast-forwarded!

So purely on principle, I ripped a copy of the DVD to my hard drive just because I could. Amy Halliwell, sticking it to The Man! :p

Charmed 8x13: 'Repo Manor'

2006-01-23T21:36:00.000Z

The title should be 'Rehash Manor', because this episode recycled the plots of at least four episodes, one of which was first shown less than a year ago.

But the funny thing was, I didn't mind. Once I got past the bullshit spewing from the mouths of the villains to justify the incredibly contrived way they were able to take on the powers of the Charmed Ones, this was a fun episode. Almost like... well, like Charmed, the way it used to be.

Phoebe was a total bitch this week, though. Piper's practically in tears at seeing her move out, and her response is a shrug and a 'see ya'? You can't even manage a proper hug, but just a perfunctory peck on the cheek as you pick up the box of free gifts that your sister has lovingly made for you? Bitch!

But there was lots of good stuff, particularly the amount of abuse that Vile Billie suffered at the hands of the fake sisters. Faux Phoebe dismissing her tale of sister-searching woe as "boring" was almost a meta-statement on what most people think of Vile Billie and her stupid subplot in the first place. And even though it was (as usual) more or less unconnected to the main plot, Paige's ongoing romance with Rondo was quite cute this time, even if he still looks like Herman Munster. The sisters, for once in recent memory, defeated the villains by working together and using their powers in a clever way instead of leaving it to Vile Billie to toss some potion, and the vanquishing of the lead bad guy by basically impaling his head on a dildo was fucking awesome! (Heh. Sorry.) Why aren't they coming up with stuff like this every week, instead of wasting their time and money on having helicopters land on the studio backlot and Vile Billie developing new powers every other episode only to forget she has them immediately afterwards?

Seriously. It's called electrolysis. Look into it.

By the way, Rose McGowan: you really need to do something about that moustache of yours. If I can camouflage a constant five o'clock shadow when I put on the slap, then so can you!

Amy's rating (out of five): ***

We're Running Out Of Time!

2006-01-23T17:37:00.000Z

To hell with Chuck Norris, the current internet meme - there's only room for one supreme tough guy in the world, and that guy is Jack Fucking Bauer.

See the proof here: Top 30 Facts About Jack Bauer

After all, Jack Fucking Bauer called his cat Chuck Norris. Why? Because he's a pussy!

Schoolgirl fantasies

2006-01-22T17:03:00.000Z

No, not mine. (Look on my website if you want to see those. ;)

I'm talking about an obscure film called DEBS, which made it onto Roger Ebert's (the American version of Barry Norman) list of the ten worst movies of 2005. Now I'm perverted in more ways than one, and I get a sick kick out watching really awful films. I can even get pleasure out of a truly horrible movie without needing the comedy filter of Mystery Science Theater 3000, which shows you how warped I am. There was also the fact that the magic words 'lesbian secret agents' had been used in connection with it. So when I saw DEBS at Blockbuster, it was a cert that I'd rent it.

The shock was, I really enjoyed it!

"Right, that's our entire advertising campaign sorted!"

DEBS is a spoof of spy movies, a sort of cross between Charlie's Angels and Mean Girls. It's obviously been made on a very low budget, but it has enough clever ideas and funny lines to lift it above crap like Johnny English and Goldmember. The 'plot' is that there's a secret test hidden inside American school exams that determines aptitude for espionage work - and all the recruits the test brings in are female, cute and/or hot, and dress in schoolgirl uniforms with miniskirts. (If this all sounds horribly sexist and exploitative, the writer/director is a woman and - I'm guessing from her past credits at the IMDb - a lesbian to boot.) One group of DEBS is assigned to track down master criminal Lucy Diamond (the stunningly beautiful, if too skinny, Jordanna Brewster) - but in the process, top DEB Amy (good name!) falls in love with her enemy, who does likewise, going to ever greater lengths to be with the object of her affections.

Love at first (gun) sight

It's actually a rather cute little love story underneath the spy spoofing - and the relationship between Amy and Lucy is played out exactly as if one of them had been male, which was quite refreshing. The film looks rather cheap and the action isn't exactly Jerry Bruckheimer, but I still really wanted Amy and Lucy to end up together (even though the film's a spoof, the developing relationship is played straight - okay, maybe 'straight' wasn't the right word), and I even went "Awww!" at the ending. Excellent '80s soundtrack, as well!

"It's the car, right? Chicks love the car."

Ebert wasn't the only film critic who hated it, as it only managed a 36% rating at Rotten Tomatoes. But at least Film Threat liked it, which is good enough for me! Check it out, it's a lot of fun. Come on, cute girls running around in school uniforms. With guns. Being spies. What's not to like?

Battlestar Galactica 2x13: 'Epiphanies'

2006-01-22T09:11:00.000Z

After last week's epic feast of explosions, tension and gallons of sweat (mostly from Starbuck - Right Guard is obviously low on the list of space essentials), BG steps back to character drama - but it's anything but low-key.

It's some weeks after the destruction of the resurrection ship and the departure of the Cylons, but life has hardly been quiet. Roslin's cancer is in its final stages, and the President has been transferred to Galactica for constant medical attention by Doc Cottle. Knowing her time is almost up, she makes a final executive decision - Boomer's pregnancy will be terminated. Immediately. Baltar, Six, Helo and most obviously Boomer are extremely unhappy about this, but the decision is made, and Adama begins the necessary preparations. Meanwhile, an apparent weapons malfunction that seriously damages Kat's Viper and nearly takes out Starbuck with it turns out to be sabotage. To the surprise of the investigators, the saboteur gives herself up - it turns out a movement is rising amongst the civilians that wants peace with the Cylons at any cost, including direct action against the military. And who is the leader of this movement? None other than Gina...

I feel more and more sorry for poor Boomer with each new episode. As Helo bitterly reminds Adama, she's done nothing but help them since she turned on her own people - but she's still always 'the enemy', a thing that could betray them at any moment (even though we as viewers have seen enough of her away from the Galactica crew to know that she's apparently 100% genuine in her love of Helo). And now there's the irony of Roslin, who back in the miniseries told Adama that the most important thing people could do was get biz-zay and start making babies if humanity was to survive, ordering mandatory abortion on behalf of the state. This is yet another example of Galactica's great writing - there are no Star Trekian blacks and whites. Everyone, heroes and villains alike, is painted in shades of grey. And Roslin, what with ordering the assassination of Cain in 'Resurrection Ship' and now this (plus the revelation that she was having an affair with the President before the Cylon attack), is taking on a darker shade than anybody could have imagined.

Even Baltar, Cylon tool (in both senses) that he may be, is still wavering. He's literally hours away from becoming the President on Roslin's death, giving him all the power he needs - but he's also the person who figures out how to save her life. (Yet more irony: it's the very foetus that Roslin wanted destroyed that holds the key to doing so.) And when Gina tries to enlist his support in aid of the dissident movement, he doesn't prevaricate or try to weasel out of giving her an answer, but flatly and firmly refuses - until it hits home that both Roslin and Adama don't like him, don't trust him, don't think he should even be Vice-President never mind President, and hold him in utter contempt. It's not a political or moral choice that Baltar makes to help the Cylons - it's personal. His ego has been slighted. And because of that, Gina now has a nuke. (Hmm, what's the betting that the Pegasus will eventually be written out of the show in a thermonuclear fireball?) There's a reason why the title of the episode is a plural, but Baltar's epiphany is anything but good for the fleet.

Damn. Galactica has the writing, 24 has the tension - and then I also watch Charmed. One of these things does not belong...

Amy's rating (out of five): ****

24 5x03/04: '9AM-10AM'/'10AM-11AM'

2006-01-18T12:34:00.000Z

Double bill of 24 action! Ruining any chance of getting any work done! Eeeee!

Oh, and here we go. The entire airport hostage situation was really just a cover so that one guy could get hold of a fucking keycard? Why not just post it to him? Or have Yellow Tie Guy simply go to the baggage claim office and have the guy hand it over? God. And then Yellow Tie Guy visits more terrorists who are still in the airport - he didn't have time to get very far on foot - where they've dug up the hatch from Lost, without any airport personnel, cops or CTU agents noticing? Nooooo! It's bloody Marwan and his 20 domino plots of doom all over again!

And don't get me started on today's Magic Technology. I don't care how good Chloe's mad Photoshop skillz are, there's no way she could blow up a picture taken by a cameraphone from thirty feet away so that she can read a black serial number on a dark grey box the size of a packet of cigs! What's Jack using, the Hubble Space Telescope?

From this to that? I love you, Chloe, but... BULLSHIT!

But apart from that... this was a brilliant way to spend two hours (okay, an hour and a half without adverts). An ultra-tense first half as Jack Fucking Bauer does his John McClane bit at the airport, before giving himself up to save Wesley, who shocked me by being less annoying than before. Maybe it was because he was in fear of his life instead of being whiny and suspicious. Then the second half had the stop-start foreplay of the pending CTU assault. I thought that there was going to be a fakeout with JFB's very obvious and repeated mention of the whole "flank two position" thing tipping off Buchanan and Curtis that it was a set-up and that they'd adjusted their plans accordingly when we weren't looking, but no: in fact, everyone at CTU is actually an idiot. Even Chloe, for once. That's just wrong.

The only person who wasn't an idiot was the Stupid Fat Hobbit, AKA Lynn McGill, AKA Sean Astin. Even though he was a completely insufferable prick, he was also the only person with the brains to figure out Jack's warning. Not sure exactly what the deal was between him and Buchanan (there seemed to be some other past connection besides work - are they related? Gay lovers like Michelle and Carrie were going to be in season 2 before the producers bottled out? What?), but I did enjoy his and Chloe's introduction. "We met at that memory management lecture." [Puzzled frown, pout, shrug] "If you say so." Ha!

"Oi'm lookin' fer Mr. Frodo..."

I've also made up my mind about Martha Logan - yes, she's completely barking, but I like her. Terrifying some poor nerd into giving up his access card by threatening to cry rape, hiding the transcript in her bra - that's class. Low class, but class all the same. And her husband looks more and more like Richard Nixon with every episode. He even does the Nixon wave. It's scary.

Finally somebody other than SuperChloe and Jack Fucking Bauer and his bottomless Mary Poppins handbag of spy kit got some action, as Curtis and his CTU stormtroopers stormed the airport and racked up the body count considerably. That's something 24 always does well, and this wasn't a disappointment - although those explosions as the terrorists' dynamite vests went off seemed a bit wimpy. Almost like someone dropping cardboard through a wood chipper just off camera. Hmm... JFB's little dead-eye wink as he shot the terrorist leader in the hand was super-cool, though.

So, that's the first four hours of 24 all done, and now I can finally put my computer to sleep when I'm not using it, and go on the internet without all my bandwidth being sucked up by BitTorrent!

24 SCOREBOARD
Body count: 23 (Jack 5)
"Who do you work for?!?" count: 2
"We're running out of time!" count: 2

Amy's rating (out of 5): *****

24 5x02: '8AM-9AM'

2006-01-17T16:32:00.000Z

Two episodes in one day! I'm having a 24gasm. Shame I have to wait... [checks Azureus] 17 hours and 57 minutes for the next one? Stupid BitTorrent! Work faster!

Shockingly, Jack Fucking Bauer didn't kill anyone this episode, though he did dish out a quick beating to a suspect and some bad-ass one-liners. And now he's going to have to go all John McClane, because next episode looks like it's going to be Die Hard time as terrorists take over an airport. Inevitably, the terrorists are connected via a Big Bad (the guy who used to play the vampire cop in Forever Knight, only now kind of puffy-faced) to Walt Cummings. Yeah, Logan's advisor who tried to have JFB killed last year. For some reason, I wasn't surprised.

Yippee-ki-ay, mother[bleep]ers!

Chloe excelled again - she didn't gut-shoot anyone this time, but did use her 1337 h4XX0r 5ki11Z and Magic Laptop to guide JFB through a building full of FBI agents like she was playing Pac-Man. (Jac-Man?) Even though she eventually got caught, I loved the fact that she was more annoyed than scared about being arrested. Bonus points for then starting a phone conversation with a furious Buchanan with a casual "Hi."

So, we've got Chechen terrorists taking hostages to force the US and Russian presidents to do something, controlled by a puffy Big Bad who's in league with Logan's closest advisor, as well as the 'Jack on the run' thing they did so well back in Day 1 (and not so well in some of the other years). What the ultimate plan is that has to be stopped within now 22 hours still isn't clear, though. I just hope they don't keep changing the threat every four episodes like last year!

Not sure yet whether to be annoyed or entertained by Crazy Martha Logan, the paranoid schizophrenic First Lady. Last time 24 had an unstable character it was Driscoll's daughter, and I was so pleased when she died. Mean, maybe, but God, she was annoying. But despite being what professionals call 'a bit mental', so far Martha has been right. Can't wait to see Logan's face when he finally realises this.

There were a few 'shyeah, right!' moments unfortunately this time, to wit:
• Chloe said she needed to get to a specific place for her Magic Laptop to connect to CTU in the first episode, but the bad guys' van conveniently contained a Magic Portable Wireless LAN?
• The cop at Wayne Palmer's building checks Chloe's CTU ID against a list of names - then lets her in, even though she's obviously not on it?
• All FBI and Secret Service agents wear transponders so that anyone with a Magic Laptop can track their movements around a complete map of the building to within a foot? Hope the bad guys never figure that out!
• None of the FBI agents bothered to check Palmer's computer for clues?
• The former President of the United States used a computer with its built-in firewall switched off? (Chloe uploaded a program straight to it.) Yeah, that's safe!
• Cummings completely changed the recording of Palmer's phone conversation, as well as Martha's responses, in about ten minutes? His Evil Technicians are bloody good!

Not quite as pulse-racing as the first episode, but still very tense. I think a lot of it's down to the absence of adverts - the move from BBC 2 to Sky One really pissed me off, because all the breaks ruin the flow. I'm sorry I dissed you before, BitTorrent. Better slow now than much later and with adverts... hey! 1 day 5 hours!?! Dammit!

24 SCORECARD
Body count: 8 (3 Jack)
"Who do you work for?!?" score: 2

Amy's rating (out of five): ****

24 5x01: '7AM-8AM'

2006-01-17T10:28:00.000Z

Jack's back! And he's really, really pissed off.

"Previously on 24..." [SCHKRANG!] Jack saved LA from a terrorist nuclear bomb! Again! Woohoo! [SCHKRANG!] But in the process, he caused a major diplomatic incident with the potential to start a war with China. D'oh! [SCHKRANG!] Weaselly President Logan turned a blind eye as his even more weaselly advisor Cummings ordered Jack's assassination to prevent the Chinese interrogating him! [SCHKRANG!] With a tip-off from ex-President Palmer and the help of his own personal Scooby Gang (Tony, Michelle and Chloe), Jack faked his own death and walked off into the distance like Bill Bixby at the end of every episode of The Incredible Hulk! [SCHKRANG!] On the US DVD, a hoodied-and-mulleted Jack was hiding out in Chicago a year later until the freshly hottied-up Chloe came to tell him that somebody had discovered he was still alive and was after him. Then literally 30 seconds later, somebody came after him! A rather silly Toyota advert, er, car chase ensued, from which Jack emerged triumphant (thanks to his TOYOTA!) , and headed off to get a haircut and some clothing that wouldn't win him an asbo. Now, it's six months later, and Jack Bauer is about to have another one of those days...

"The following takes place between 7AM and 8AM."

I can't believe how excited I was to get a new season of 24, even after the silly mess that was Day 4 (featuring Houdini Imhotep as the bad guy with 20 evil plots all in a row, and CTU's concept of an airtight security perimeter being one that can be evaded on a bus). Amazingly, it lived up to my hopes. Imagine that, a thriller that actually thrills!

I already knew who was going to die, so that wasn't much of a shock, but it was still unsettling to see characters I've watched for years get shot and blown up. (From now on... must... avoid... spoilers! Must... avoid... spoilers!) But thankfully Chloe survived, and with a single phone call summoned Jack out of hiding to help save her from the bad guys. Which he did in a totally badass way, by stealing a helicopter and wasting a bunch of goons. He's Jack Fucking Bauer, baby, and he's back!

And as for Chloe Fucking O'Brian... I love her! From greeting the guy she shagged the previous night with "Get out of my bed, this was a mistake", to looking totally freaked out and bewildered when he comes onto her again, talking about human behaviour as if she learned everything she knows about it from books (I can relate), outsmarting the goons sent to kill her and finally shooting an assassin three times in the gut - I adore this woman.

Sexy! Freaky! Deadly!

As for the guy she shagged, he has to be a mole. He works for Chloe at CTU, so he knows what she's like, but he still slept with her? Come on! That would be the Most Humiliating Sex Ever. Chloe would be giving orders and listing complaints the whole time. "No, up a bit! Up! Left! I'm not feeling aroused yet! Harder! Not that hard! What's wrong with you?" The only person in the world who could give her complete satisfaction is Jack Fucking Bauer, and that's because Jack Fucking Bauer has perfect technique. (I so want Jack and Chloe to end up together, if only to see the look on Kim's face when she finds out who her new stepmother is.) And there's something reassuringly strange about a world where rude, weird, geeky Chloe O'Brian is 24's resident sex goddess.

In fact, with Jack and Chloe on the case, are any other characters needed? Buchanan was blandly professional, Tony was mostly unconscious, Curtis didn't do much except look worried, horse-faced Orrrdrey annoyed with her mere presence, President Logan was a whiny dick as usual (though his wife was amusingly loopy) and Jack was saddled with an annoying teenager who tagged along like Wesley Crusher. Don't go walking in front of any bullets, kid! Poor Edgar, though. He thought he still had a shot with Chloe, until Smug Git broke the news and shattered his clogged heart into a million pieces.

But this was top stuff, hitting the ground running. Jack hasn't tortured anyone yet, but it can only be a matter of time. And speaking of time, episode 2 just finished downloading, so the action continues! Yay!

tickBOOM... tickBOOM... tickBOOM...
(But why would a digital clock tick in the first place, hmm?)

24 SCOREBOARD
Body count: 5 (Jack 3)
"Who do you work for!?!" count: 1

Amy's rating (out of five): *****

Cave cava!

2006-01-16T22:21:00.000Z

Asda has put up the price of Cava by a quid! £3.71 a bottle? Bastards! Worse yet, they've apparently ended the 'three for £10' offer they used to have as well! (Although I still got a £1.50 discount today because I insisted that it was marked with a 'three for £10' banner on the shelves whatever the computer said. Which it bloody well was!)

This is a catastrophe, though. If Cava's gone up, then that means a return to regular wine - which has a higher alcohol content! Since I drink to get pleasantly buzzed rather than to pass out on the sofa with my head spinning and drool running down my chin, I reckon that Asda will be responsible for a small but cumulative deterioration of my health as a result of this price increase. Hmm, wonder if I could sue them for that?

Charmed 8x12: 'Payback's A Witch'

2006-01-16T21:26:00.000Z

Can I just say that, as a transvestite, Charmed is a very bad show for clothing ideas? I mean, GOD. Some of the outfits these women wear are just fucking hideous, like crack night at Vivienne Westwood's joke studio. This episode was by the show's normal standards fairly restrained, but Phoebe's totally-inappropriate-for-a-three-year-old's-birthday-party tit-flash top and Paige's v-neck (V as in 'vagina') top and culottes combination? Jesus. Even when I actively dress like a whore I look more presentable. Although I sort of liked Paige's boots. (They would have been better in leather than suede, but that's just me.)

ANYWAY. After the shit-storm of last week, this was an improvement, though admittedly almost anything would be. Some of the plots even related to each other! Holy crap, what will they think of next? At this rate, they'll be coming up with dramatically satisfying endings that tie everything together! You know, like they used to.

• Plot 1: it's Damian's, sorry, Wyatt's third birthday party. Thanks to Phoebe's well-meaning but as usual totally clueless interference with the lives and psyches of her family, the terrifying child transforms his dolls - I mean ACTION FIGURES, oh no, not dolls - into the Village People. Piper and Phoebe are just about able to keep them on the right side of traumatising the junior party guests, and it turns out they're only manifestations of Damian's feelings about losing Leo. Huh. Didn't we see this story before? Less than a year ago?
• Plot 2: Vile Billie is busy torturing various demons for info about her missing sister. When her latest victim - a Possessor Demon - escapes, he vows vengeance, and almost shockingly manages to tie this into one of the other plotlines.
• Plot 3: Paige and Rondo are trying to help one of Rondo's parolees, a Gulf War veteran turned ex-con (well, I suppose technically turned just con first), get a bank loan. When the loan is refused, the guy snaps and ploughs his Volvo (HA! I knew there was something shifty about Volvo drivers!) through the bank's front window and takes hostages, including Paige, Rondo and Vile Billie, who has turned up to pester Paige for no good reason.

The Damian plot basically goes nowhere - gee, the mad-eyed little brat is upset at his father disappearing? NO! - but occupies half the show, doing little except give Piper a chance to do the whole 'boiling fury that can't be unleashed because there are PEOPLE here' thing she does so well. It's played for laughs, and weak ones at that. Which leaves the hostage situation as the main storyline, wherein Rondo is accidentally shot during a scuffle and Paige just about manages to talk the hostage-taker into surrendering - only for the Possessor Demon to take him over and Mwah-Hah-Hahingly offer her the choice of letting Rondo die or revealing her magic to the world. Which is kind of steep, considering that his quarrel was with Vile Billie, but whatever. He's EEEVIL!

Ivan Sergei in his most heart-rending role yet.

To my shame, I didn't figure out the Charmed Ones' cunning plan to get out of the situation until right before the demons did, which depressingly suggests that I'm only slightly more intelligent than the morons who write this rubbish. On the plus side, I spotted at least half a dozen occasions when Paige could have used her powers to end the danger without worrying about exposure if she wasn't a fucking idiot. So maybe that raises my IQ slightly.

In a rare example of one of the Charmed Ones actually advancing their powers, Paige finally gains the Whitelighter ability to heal - I suppose the writers realised that without Leo around, all those flying body-slams into walls and furniture might actually kill their heroines. But of course, this ignores Vile Billie's fucking stupid Lathe Of Heaven power from last week. She's being held at gunpoint in a bank raid - wouldn't that produce an emotional response she could use to activate her power? Morons.

So now Paige can heal, and Rondo must surely suspect that there's more to her than meets the eye unless he's as stupid as she is. Although given what show I'm talking about...

Amy's rating (out of five): **

Reilly ridiculous

2006-01-15T14:50:00.000Z

I just finished Matthew Reilly's latest novel, Seven Ancient Wonders. Reilly, if you haven't heard of him, is an Australian thriller author with a unique approach to writing - trivia like plot, characterisation and logic are secondary (even tertiary) to ACTION! ACTION! And even more ACTION! However ludicrous that action might be.

Seven Ancient Wonders features things like handy pocket-sized gadgets that can magnetically deflect bullets (lead apparently now containing a high iron content), a stealth 747 that can land and take off from any surface, including a golf course (riiiight...), and a hero with a bionic arm (which is almost totally irrelevant to the story except to punch one guy in the face) and a pet falcon with such a high IQ that it can locate and activate a lethal trap's reset mechanism just by being asked. And those are some of the less implausible items. The whole thing is so insanely unrealistic that it makes The Da Vinci Code look like a documentary.

But like Reilly's other books, it's also a lot of dumb fun, like one of those Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay action movies where everything explodes. The whole thing is a wild Indiana Jones-style ride, and while I wouldn't call Reilly a good writer, he's certainly an entertaining one. Plus, his prose style is far more bearable than Clive Cussler's!

Battlestar Galactica 2x12: 'Resurrection Ship, Part 2'

2006-01-15T13:48:00.000Z

Wow. That wasn't what I expected.

To clarify: some parts of it were what I expected. I expected a spectacular space battle between the Colonials and the Cylons (delivered); I expected massive tension as the parallel assassination plots approached their critical moments (delivered); I expected Cain to get what was coming to her (delivered). I just didn't expect how everything would play out.

From the opening shot of what seems like one of Baltar's Six-inspired daydreams, but turns out to be Apollo, hallucinating with oxygen starvation as he drifts alone through space - alone, that is, apart from a couple of dozen Cylon Raiders whipping past him - nothing goes as I'd thought it would. Even small scenes outside the main plot have reversals of fortune: Helo and Tyrol are faced in their cell by the Rape Squad, furious about them killing Lt. Rapist Bastard. Tyrol taunts them through the glass, inviting them basically to 'come in here and say that' - so they do. Soap in a towel time. Ow. And Adama questions Boomer about why the Cylons want to destroy humanity, only to have her answer (which includes his own words) force him to question himself. Every moment, from the smallest to the largest, is brilliantly done.

Those large moments really show why BSG appeared on all those 'best shows of the year' list in the States at the end of 2005, and if there's any justice it'll be on them again this year. Following his talk with Boomer (and another with Apollo, who's horrified by the decision his father and Roslin have taken but agrees to back up Starbuck anyway), Adama speaks to Starbuck following the successful completion of the mission, and with the tension winding up to killer levels... orders her to do nothing. He's realised that murdering Cain would make him as bad as the Cylons - and the ultimate irony is that it took a Cylon to make him see that. But the real shocker comes when Cain is about to order her own forces to kill Adama - and doesn't. She's come to the same conclusion, but for different reasons. Now that the resurrection ship is destroyed, the Cylons have fled back to their own territory, and are no longer an immediate threat. Her differences with Adama and Roslin can be settled in less terminal manner, without the risk of the two battlestars turning on each other. For Adama it was conscience, but for Cain it was pure pragmatism.

The other 'large' moment is the assault on the Cylons, which is spectacular and almost arty - at times, all that can see seen of it are reflected explosions in Apollo's faceplate as he drifts helplessly through space nearby (the Delta Flyer, sorry, Blackbird got whacked, forcing him to eject). But the money shots really deliver a sort of terrible beauty as the Galactica and the Pegasus pound the basestars with missiles and shells, taking plenty of damage in return, until the Cylon ships finally erupt in flames from within - and the actual destruction of the titular ship manages to be simultaneously 'Woo! Yeah!' cathartic and weirdly disturbing as Vipers rake it with fire and blow out the giant windows Starbuck photographed last episode, sending thousands of naked Cylon bodies spilling into space.

But this being BSG, that's nowhere near the end of the story. Cain is indeed killed - by PegaSix, of all people. (She's supposedly called Gina, but I don't remember this being stated onscreen.) Baltar declared his love (to the dismay of his 'imaginary' Six), freed her, and has apparently arranged some secret hiding place for her within the fleet. Oh, you crazy nut from Bridget Jones, you. Like that's not going to cause trouble down the line. (I suspected it would be Gina who killed Cain, because one single word on the TWoP boards made me think along those lines. This is one show where I want no spoilers at all - I don't even watch the Space: 1999-y 'coming this episode' blipverts in the titles - but sometimes I can't avoid them. Dammit!) Got to admit, though: Cain may have been a cold, ruthless bitch, but she still totally stood up to Gina even knowing she was about to die.

"Did I fire six shots, or... Wait, I am Six. Sorry, I'll come in again."

Boozy Pegasus XO Fisk takes over command from Cain, which was a real surprise to me - not so much him taking command, but that the Pegasus would survive at all. That really changes the show at a basic level. With two battlestars in the fleet, and the Cylons seemingly dropping from pursuit for now, the balance of power has shifted very much to the military side - even if Adama and Roslin are now close enough on a personal level to kiss after she promotes him to Admiral. (Aww!) And Starbuck's speech at Cain's funeral more than hinted that she sided more with Cain's approach to command than Adama's. And Apollo has had all he can take and wanted to die in space. And Helo and Tyrol are freed, only for Tyrol to be heartbroken again as Boomer totally ignores him when she reunites with Helo. And there are plenty of people aboard the Pegasus with grudges against the Galactica gang, and vice versa. It's all going on!

Amy's rating (out of five): *****!

My Curious Love Affair With Rachel Stevens

2006-01-12T19:38:00.000Z

I stopped being particularly interested in pop music around the time I turned 30, which was... er, a certain number of years ago that's less than nine, definitely. (The irony is that I don't actually think I've grown up any since I was 25, but...) The arrival of Chris Moyles on Radio 1 was a contributing factor, the talentless fat fuck (™ Larry Sanders), but the fact that the music of the time was all stuff I hated didn't help. Boy bands, thug rap, pop idols, weedy R&B, wuss rock... ick.

So why do I have a strange fixation with Rachel Stevens?

I'm listening to her latest album even as I type this. In fact, I think she's the only performer in my CD collection whose first album was released in the 21st century, which makes her a positive embryo compared to all the other bands I like. And a lot of the stuff on her two albums to date (yes, I have them both... sigh) is fairly generic filler, the exact reason why iTunes and its 'you only have to buy the songs you like!' approach has been so popular.

And my little obsession isn't just because she looks like this:
Although I'm sure it didn't hurt. Plus, that's an outfit I'd like to try myself. All I'd need would be a red satin bra to stick the ol' chicken fillets inside and I could Rachel myself up right now. But I'm sure that thought would horrify her to the core of her soul, if she took the time to care about some tranny's blog that nobody reads.

But I actually started grooving on her before I ever saw what she looked like - and a long time before I found out she was in S Club 7. (As in, "Wait, she was in fucking S Club?") And to be honest, while she's cute and pretty, it's in that 'nicely scrubbed-up girl next door' way that almost any woman (or TV!) who's not a total munter could manage with an expensive team of hair and makeup people on the job. I'm sure I'll come back to this subject when the new series of 24 starts and I go all drooly at the new sexed-up Chloe. (Ohhh, Chloe, you hot, rude geek...)

No, it's down to the fact that she's had not one, not two, but three songs that totally latched onto my mind like little musical remoras and wouldn't let go. Which is something that very rarely happens. 'Sweet Dreams My LA Ex' was the first song of hers that I heard (which, as I later found out, I first came across like a year after it had been in the charts - moi? Out of touch?), and from that I thought she was some cool alterna-rock chick like Sheryl Crow. And then I heard 'Some Girls', which was totally different from 'LA Ex' in every possible way, but even more awesome, despite - or perhaps because of - it partly sounding like the theme from Roobarb & Custard. Then after that came 'I Said Never Again (But Here We Are)', an irresistable mix of stompin' 70s-style glam rock and modern dance. Three strikes, I'm out!

And the way she says "zip-up boots" in 'Some Girls', which is cool enough in itself, and makes it sound like "zip-up boobs" cracks me up every time I hear it!

Hyperdrive 1x01

2006-01-12T07:56:00.000Z

I gave this new sci-fi sitcom starring Nick Frost (the fat guy from Spaced and Shaun Of The Dead) a try last night. It wasn't very good. A sort of 'Red Dwarf meets The Office', the 'sit' part is that Frost captains a British spaceship that's travelling the galaxy, trying to get aliens to rent office space in Peterborough. The 'com' part is... almost non-existant. Almost all of the bits I smiled at (I didn't actually laugh once) were down to Nick Frost's Nick Frost-y reactions to things rather than the actual jokes.

Maybe it'll get better next week - the first episode of Red Dwarf wasn't very funny either. But the curry-scented ghosts of Lister & co are definitely haunting Hyperdrive; not only is one of the characters basically Rimmer without the 'H' on his head, but RD did this episode's 'comedy version of Alien' plot more than once as well - and they did it a lot better. Unless the writers included some actual jokes in the other episodes, I don't see this lasting more than one series.

Amy's rating (out of five): **

Battlestar Galactica 2x11: 'Resurrection Ship, Part 1'

2006-01-11T12:35:00.000Z

It's back! And I'm more than two months ahead of the episodes on Sky!

Previously on BSG: the Galactica and its fleet got a pleasant (for a change) surprise when it encountered another, newer and more powerful, surviving battlestar - the Pegasus. Double the firepower = double the chances of survival for the fleet. Unfortunately, that was the last of the good news as one huge, spike-heeled bitch shoe dropped after another. The Pegasus commander, Admiral Cain (played by Michelle Forbes, the go-to woman when producers want a cold, professional hard-ass with a really severe haircut), outranks Adama, has zero interest in or respect for Roslin's authority as President, press-gangs civilians into military duties and enforces her rule with summary executions for disobedience (or as she calls it, 'mutiny'). She also has a brutal approach to interrogating Cylon prisoners - the Pegasus has another copy of Number Six aboard, who after each daily beating is subjected to gang rape by the ship's leering male crew. When she orders the same treatment for Boomer on the Galactica, Helo and Chief Tyrol run to her rescue, in the process accidentally killing Lt. Rapist Bastard. Cain has them brought to the Pegasus, where a kangaroo court comprised of herself promptly sentences them to death. Adama refuses to have this, so despatches a Raptor and a squadron of Vipers to bring his men back home by force. Cain launches her own Vipers, and the two squadrons go head-to-head. To be continued...

Which now it is. 'Resurrection Shuffle', sorry, 'Ship' was more of a slow-burner than 'Pegasus', setting up all kinds of undoubtedly major events for part 2 and at the same doing one of the things that BSG does better than anything else on TV - filling the viewer with dreadful anticipation that something really, really bad is going to happen and there's no way to stop it. Adama and Cain are on a collision course, and only one of them will survive. (Of course, we know which one, since Adama's the star of the show - but then this is the show that had its star motionless in a coma for several episodes at the start of the season, so it's unlikely he'll emerge unscathed.) Their intercut plotting to assassinate each other at the end of the episode - Adama filled with disgust at what he's doing, Cain as matter-of-fact as if she's ordering a pizza ("Extra onions, peppers, and DEATH.") - was a really nerve-wracking scene. Bad news for Starbuck, though. That's a hell of a tough order to follow: "You will take out your weapon and shoot Admiral Cain in the head." Adama should have specified her face - Cain's fearsome hair could probably stop a bullet.

Adama has the GLARE; Cain has the HAIR.

With all these machinations, it's amazing that anything else was fitted in, but it was. Starbuck discovered the function of the Cylon mystery ship (the clue's in the title); PegaSix started to connect emotionally with Baltar (after connecting with him physically by trying to strangle him); Adama personally apologised to Boomer for 'the attack' ("That's what you're calling it now?" she bitterly asks); Roslin displayed that ruthless streak of hers by flatly telling Adama that he has to kill Cain before she kills him; Tigh put his powers of alcohol consumption to good use by finding out from the Pegasus's XO exactly what happened to the civilian ships it once had with it (nothing good); Adama and Roslin had a bedside chat; and Helo and Tyrol sort-of made up over the Boomer issue. Nothing like impending death to encourage male bonding. Oh, and Starbuck got promoted by Cain and also showed signs of sympathising with her views, particularly on returning to Caprica to kick toaster ass. I sense an ethical conflict coming next episode when she's ordered to shoot Cain in the hair!

The cliffhanger was resolved a bit weakly, I thought - the two sides duck and weave and intimidate each other without actually firing, until Starbuck's surprise return from her (astonishingly swift) stealth recon mission in the Blackbird provides a reason for the two sides to join forces (though the shot of all the weaving Vipers coming around at once to go after her was excellent. No wonder she looked scared!). And Tigh's "Another one of her crazy stunts!" line afterwards was like something from a Scooby Doo villain. But just about every character got a scene, even Doc Cottle and Cally (yay!), and it was cool to get a good close look at a new and even creepier Cylon ship.

One thought about the Resurrection Ship itself, though - since Starbuck got pictures that were detailed enough to show a group of Sixes waiting to be woken, couldn't they analyse the rest of her pictures to find out the identities of the other Cylon models? So far we've seen Six, Boomer, Leoben, Simon, Xena and that guy from the weapons station in the miniseries - only six more to identify and the problem of Cylon infiltrators is ended!

The episode was mostly talk and setup - but it was good talk and setup. And I can't wait to see how it ends. Who's going to have the honour of killing that irredeemable bitch Cain? Join the queue!

Amy's rating (out of five): ****

Mind games

2006-01-10T21:51:00.000Z

This could be one of those things where I'm decidedly out of kilter with the majority of people - after all, every time I take one of the various online tests for Asperger's Syndrome, I always score right on the cusp of full-blown autism. (Which I know is bullshit: after all, I can - more or less - interact sans trouble with regular people when I have to, am right up there on the personal hygiene front, and have no inclination towards filling my flat with rusting 1957 French bicycles or whatever the fuck obsession consumes Joe Auton. Although when I fixate on something, I really fixate on something, like crappy TV shows about witches... but, er, enough about that. Hey! What? It's not like I'm a trainspotter!)

But the point I'm vaguely heading back towards is: where's the dividing line between entertaining roleplay and mere rudeness? Because I'm kind of worried that my line doesn't match anyone else's. Case in point: I've been chatting online on and off with a dom recently, after the subject of my desire to be a sub TV maid came up. Now to me, that's a fantasy thing. There's the real world, and then there's the other side of things, in which I wear a PVC maid's uniform and fully expect to get spanked. Oo-er, missus.

My problem is, the dom is apparently crossing back and forth over the dividing line, and either A: I just don't get it, or B: she's being, well, just plain mean. To me, being unexpectedly cut off mid-chat and then on trying to reconnect being told words to the effect of 'Why are you still talking to me, bitch? I'm finished with you for now' is... well, rude is the best word I can come up with (that's not flat-out insulting). Was I supposed to respond to that by thinking 'She's so strict! I am intrigued and aroused, and will obey'?

I genuinely don't get rudeness. Why be a dick when you don't need to be? Nasty behaviour is a tool, a weapon, that ought to be kept in reserve for those rare occasions when it's genuinely required - at least in my view. It could just be my past workplace experiences talking, but people who behave like bullying arseholes all the time for no reason beyond the fact that they can really deserve to be punched, hard - it's completely unattractive to me. I mean, I can completely understand the idea of dissing someone in a domination scenario (hell, I'd expect it ;) - but doing the same outside that scenario? 100% unattractive.

But the thing is, do I see things the same way as other people? Is she just engaging in what, to anyone else, would just be obvious mental gameplay?

Man. Human beings. They're really fucking hard to figure out. This is why I totally empathise with Chloe from 24. ;)

Charmed 8x11: 'Mr & Mrs Witch'

2006-01-10T10:26:00.000Z

Since I left my computer to download this overnight, I got up specially early to watch it before starting work. I wish I'd stayed in bed.

God, this was rubbish. It was a Vile Billie-centric episode, so that was a major point against it from the start. (For the benefit of those who haven't seen season 8 yet, Vile Billie is sadly the new de facto star of the show, a 19-year-old blonde superwitch who has taken over proceedings and relegated the Charmed Ones to supporting status in their own series. She's also incredibly annoying, bang-your-head-against-a-wall stupid and is played by Kaley Cuoco, a lisping bimbo with a Jonathan King sidemouth who cannot act.)

Is Vile Billie emoting, or doing a bukkake video? You decide!

As usual with Charmed of the last couple of years, there are several storylines going on at once, most of which have nothing to do with any of the others.

• Plot 1: Piper is still understandably upset about losing Leo. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that in order to pay for Billie, the genius producers decided to sack first Dorian Gregory (Darryl) and now Brian Krause (Leo). Leo's not technically dead, but is frozen in a big tube like Fry in Futurama and has been whisked away by the Angel of Destiny to inspire the Charmed Ones to face some new Big Bad on the horizon - if they win, they get Leo back. From the state of Piper this week, they're doing a bang-up job, as she's utterly depressed and fearful that if anything happens to her, her kids will be left without parents. That's her issue of the week to overcome.
• Plot 2: Paige is getting annoyed with her new boyfriend, parole officer Henry (played by Ivan Sergei, whom lots of people at TWoP claim is attractive, but I think looks like Rondo 'The Brute Man' Hatton), because he keeps standing her up and not calling. Turns out that Rondo has intimacy issues because he grew up in foster homes. Paige calls him on it. It's as engrossing as it sounds.
• Plot 3: Phoebe is being a selfish cow as usual - rather than help her distraught older sister through her emotional crisis over losing her husband, she pisses and moans about Piper's noisy kids distracting her from her work. Hey, bitch, you have your own private office at the newspaper. Use it! She's having trouble writing advice for one particular reader, but instead of doing the sensible thing of just dropping it and using another letter which she can answer, she whines about it all through the episode. Of course she answers it by the end, and her pet sycophant at the paper fawns over its alleged 'insightfulness', but it's really all about Phoebe - she wants to move out of the Manor. Again. See also season 4 and season 6.
• Plot 4: A demon whose name sounds like an Austrian ski resort is planning to take over a company to use it as a base for EEEEVIL, a plot which was dull when we saw it in 'The Demon Who Came In From The Cold'.
• Plot 5: Vile Billie's parents visit. They're uptight mid-Western hicks who disapprove of everything and everyone. During a dinner at the Manor, which Piper awfully generously made for everyone, Vile Billie gets into an argument with them and ends up accidentally using her stupid new Lathe Of Heaven power to turn them into Mr and Mrs Smith. Only ugly and uncharismatic. The married assassins (two lots of ass in one word!) run around San Francisco, for some reason not killing anyone but just knocking them out, before being hired by the aforementioned ski demon to kill the company boss so he can take over.

Mr & Mrs Smith wasn't a very good film, but it was at least fairly entertaining. This isn't. It's stupidly-plotted crap with some of the worst-written dialogue in the show's history. As usual it's Piper who gets the few good lines ("There was food in the food!"; "Billie, I don't want to blow up your parents, but..."), but she's relegated to a minor role this week. And again as usual, Paige and Piper both 'forgot' to use their powers (or rather, the crappy writers contrived it) at points where doing so would have ended the danger on the spot. Paige should get hypnotherapy so that whenever she sees a gun, she instinctively orbs it away!

Paige looked lovely in her last scene of the episode though. Nice outfit, too. Black polo-neck, denim miniskirt, dark tights and knee-high boots. I think I could put something like that together myself!

Amy's rating (out of five): *

Lara Croft: Tranny Raider

2006-01-09T23:25:00.000Z

Well, it's TV-ish...

But replaying Tomb Raider (yes, the original, now ten years old - gah!) tonight, a couple of things occurred to me.

The first was how bizarre it was that the original Tomb Raider game, a decade old, was also by far the best. Each sequel introduced more 'tricks' that Lara could perform while at the same time moving further and further away from the whole point of the original game, which was at heart a massive logic puzzle with added sexy groans. And as for the PS2's risible Angel Of Darkness... Christ! "Yes, let's turn the nimble adventurer Lara into some sort of gun-toting detective with the turning circle of a supertanker, while having no actual tombs for her to raid! And for a few levels, we can replace her entirely with some random charisma-free bloke who's even harder to control, impossible as that may seem! It'll be a smash!"

Ahem. But the other thing that occurred to me was that Lara Croft is a serious tranny fantasy figure. Let's face it, she combines the ultimate in feminine features (the tiny waist, the curvy hips, the long legs, the giant lips, the huuuuge breasts that got bigger with each new game and the posh voice) with a decidedly masculine attitude to life. She performs countless feats of showy derring-do, saves the world from megalomaniacs on an annual basis through the application of extreme violence, and shoots anyone or anything who pisses her off with no concern about consequences. She has a male fantasy psyche in a fantasy female body, Bond with boobs.

And while I thoroughly enjoy being a girl when I dress, I spend 99% of my life as a guy, and have no desire at all to get 'chopped' and be all femme all the time. Frankly, I'd like to shoot people with Uzis at times! So to me, Lara is as much an aspirational fantasy figure as a visually appealing avatar in a videogame, combining a look I'd love to have with a mindset that, well, I already do. Be like Indiana Jones and look like Angelina Jolie? Sign me up!

What I think is interesting, though, is what the enormous popularity of the Tomb Raider games may say about their audience. Before Lara, female characters in games were almost never leads - there was maybe a token female character you could select, but she was always weaker than the male options and overtly sexed up. (Wave hello, Chun-Li in the Street Fighter games.) Lara, on the other hand, was sexy without needing to be squeezed into a microskirt and thigh boots, and was the only option available... yet all those male players, who'd previously scorned the handful of games with female leads, couldn't get enough of her. And it couldn't just be because they liked staring at her triangular arse for hours on end. Maybe they - gasp! - identified with her!

A whole generation of players who are technically transgender, and have no problem with it? Be nice to think so...

Snaaaaake!

2006-01-09T21:31:00.000Z

More things that amuse (and annoy) me about Metal Gear Solid:

• Otacon, you big ninny. Get a clue: Wolf is a member of a terrorist group that just violently took over your base. And you've fallen in love with her in maybe 24 hours just because she likes dogs? Turbo Stockholm syndrome!
• Meryl in Twin Snakes looks like a zombie. Those shots from Snake's POV where she's about to kiss him? Scare the shit out of me. "DON'T EAT MY BRAINS!"
• That business with the rat eating the PAL card is possibly the most stupid 'how can we force the player to run around this huge level we built?' contrivance of all time. But at least there's a shortcut. Claymore mine @ northwestern vent = RATSPLAT!
• Some of the 'Matrixified' cutscenes in Twin Snakes boost Snake's badass reputation. But backflipping onto a missile in flight while taking out a helicopter gunship with a Stinger? :rolleyes: Not even Uwe Boll would dare do something that ludicrous! And what the hell was going on in the scene where Snake throws a hand grenade at a flying girder? (Maybe Uwe Boll did the editing.)
• On the other hand, the new TS cutscene where Snake gets captured by Wolf cracked me up. Goon hits Snake on the back of the head with his gun, expecting him to fall. Snake stays standing, growls and advances on goon. Goon craps his pants... then Snake drops like a rock. Ha!
• S0 the TS version of Metal Gear Rex is a tranny? It certainly seems to be wearing stiletto heels!
• I miss the PS1's 'game over' theme. Dun dun dah dun dunn- ["Snake? Answer me!"] DANN DUNN DAAHNN! ["SNAAAAAAKE!"]

What can I say? I love the MGS games, even as I scowl at their various plot idiocies, Japanese strangenesses and those stupidly long expository cutscenes. Yup, having the villain stand there motionless for 20 minutes while the hero angsts on the radio makes perfect sense!

Some TV (in either sense)-related blather next update, I promise! Maybe...

Cava, dahling?

2006-01-09T19:45:00.000Z

Cava. I love it. Probably too much, but hey...

What's Cava? It's basically champagne, only it can't be called that because it's not made in France. Same ingredients, same method of production, same bottles... same taste, as far as I can tell.

But there is one difference. About twelve frickin' pounds a bottle!

In fact, at my local Asda, a bottle of perfectly good Cava - champagne in all but name - actually costs less than a cheapo bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. £2.72, to be precise. Since I'm not entertaining people every night and really don't give a crap about fancy labels, I've been buying the stuff by the gallon! Every night is like AbFab night chez Amy!

On the downside, it means that I'm technically a binge drinker every time I polish off a bottle (although to me, binge drinking suggests eight or nine pints, staggering about Bournemouth Square while roaring incoherently and then projectile vomiting like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, and I just don't do that... any more) and my New Year's resolution to drink less is doomed. But on the plus side... Cava, dahling?

Charmedless!

2006-01-09T15:38:00.000Z

My plan was foiled - the BitTorrent crowd were very slow off the mark in putting torrents of the latest episode of Charmed online this time! It doesn't look like I'll get a chance to watch it until tomorrow now. Poo.

So instead I'll talk a bit about my favourite subject - me! ;)

^ Me. Yes, I wish I looked like this all the time too

Why, then, am I a transvestite? What makes me dress up as a member of the opposite sex, and what do I get out of it? I have to admit I'm not entirely sure about the first question. For whatever reason - maybe because I grew up in a mostly female environment, and so looked at women in a different way from my friends - while the other men I knew would look at an attractive girl and go 'I want to shag her', I'd look at her 'I want to be her.' And not so that I could then be shagged by some sweaty bloke, either!

I've never looked at my (male) self in the mirror and thought, 'God, what a sexy beast!' (Or any other man, for that matter - which I can see that some guys are better looking than others, I'm not the remotest bit attracted to any of 'em.) To me, women own 100% of the sex appeal market. So somewhere along the line, my twisted little mind came up with the answer that for me to feel sexy, I should look like what I considered sexy. Which to me is... well, that's easy enough to work out from the pictures on my website, but here's a hint: short skirts and high heels!

As for what I get out of it: for a start it makes me feel attractive and sexy in a way that I never feel as a guy; I get people telling me how attractive and sexy I am, which for a shallow and insecure type like me is great for the ego :) ; it's a lot of fun trying on all the outfits and striking poses, especially for someone else; it's let me meet some really nice people both online and in RL; it's given me the chance to try out for real what had previously only been fantasies; also, I just like looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, 'Hot damn! I'm a babe!' Never underestimate the power of narcissism!

Then of course there's the answer which director Russ Meyer once famously gave, when he was asked why he always cast women with enormous breasts in his movies: "It makes my dick hard." As an answer, I can't argue with that!

Just Shoot Me

2006-01-08T22:46:00.000Z

A quick bit of Seinfeldian "what's the deal with..." - I was replaying Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (yes, I may be a tranny, but I like to watch action movies, play videogames and blow shit up as much as the next guy!) and got to the part where Liquid Snake is about to start up Metal Gear Rex and unleash hell upon the world.

Pop quiz, hotshot! You are a top special forces soldier who has already killed several bad guys in the last couple of hours and are now holding at gunpoint their insane boss, who is about to launch a nuclear weapon and kill countless millions. Do you:
A: stand there and let him waffle on about his life story and motivation for being EEEEVIL for ten minutes, all the while backflipping about, making threatening movements and eyeing up the open cockpit of his giant death machine, or;
B: just shoot him. World saved!

And don't get me started on MGS2. ;) But it's not just in games - it happens all the time in films as well. I can understand a normal person being reluctant to shoot somebody, but game and movie heroes are supposedly trained soldiers/cops/spies, etc. As soon as the villain starts off with his, "You know, Mr. Bond, you and I are very much alike..." just shoot him!

First post!

2006-01-08T20:50:00.000Z

...as idiots like to boast on AICN or Slashdot.

Anyway, this is the start of my blog. (Let's see how long I maintain interest!) The plan is for me to discuss my favourite TV shows as I watch them, so expect slightly snarky commentary on 24, Charmed, Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Doctor Who and maybe a few others. You can also expect me to witter on about my experiences as a transvestite, things that amuse/bug me in daily life, and the other trivial nonsense that makes up 99% of the 'blogosphere' (what a ridiculous word!).

Even though I'm in the UK, I'll be watching the above shows soon after their US airings, thanks to the wonder of teh intarwebs. (Wait until a network airs a show over here? How 20th century!) So if you're in the UK, there'll be spoilers! First on the block will be Charmed 8x11 ('Mr & Mrs Witch'), which if all goes to plan will be on my hard drive sometime tomorrow evening. After that, there'll be a scary overload of viewing the following weekend with new Galactica, Charmed and four episodes of 24. Will my bandwidth limit survive? (Yeah, thanks for the free 'upgrade', NTL - 0.5 meg speed but unlimited downloads to 1 meg with a poxy 3Gb per month, which put the clamps on my growing collection of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes at almost 700Mb a pop - and did I ask to be upgraded? I did not. :p)

So, let's see how this blogging lark goes!